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A friend of mine, who is a totally awesome dood, sent me a JESUS METRIC HOLY CHRIST-TON of rum cake for Christmas last year which I am quite delighted by because rum cake is nummy. I have a literal stack of rum cake in my room right now. :P (Thank you again, btw, dood.) So, yesterday, I decided I wanted to have a piece of rum cake. I grabbed the box labeled "Rum Swizzle" and went out into the kitchen. My cat, Bilbo, a pudgy gray tabby, saw this and followed after me because if I'm going out to the kitchen, that probably means "get food" or at least an opportunity to plant his fat ass in the middle of whatever I'm doing and "get attention." Those are his two main motivations in life- get food, get attention… and also wait for the exact !@#$%^&*ing moment I'm done cleaning the kitty shitter box before he goes in there and takes the most gnarly nose hair-curling dump he can muster.

Anyway, so, I proceeded to attempt opening the box. Mind you, there is a genetic predisposition in my family that renders our women utterly, totally, and entirely inept at opening things. It doesn't matter what it is. If it involves being opened, we will find some way to catastrophically fuck it up. Jars have shattered on floors, plastic shards have lacerated flesh, food has gone sailing overhead and splattered the cabinets behind, liquid has erupted skyward, and even simple doors occasionally pose a problem for women of my family- I mean WAY above the standard deviation for failing at opening things.

So I knew I was in for a fight. The cardboard opened easily enough. The tissue paper put up a bit of a struggle but I managed to persevere. The plastic, however, was a formidable foe and would not yield without a fight. I could have just grabbed a pair of scissors I suppose BUT THAT WOULD BE CHEATING! So I wrestled that villainous plastic into submission, reached in, grabbed that rum cake right by the ass, and yanked it out into the light of DAY! …only for it to cartwheel up my forearm like a Ferris wheel off its hinges.

I have NO IDEA why my reflex was to flail as the rum cake neared my elbow but that is exactly what I did and it went sailing into the air like a great, majestic donut, at which point, some woefully mistaken part of me still unwilling to accept the fact that I have NO coordination at all, thought "OOH! I CAN CATCH THAT AND IT WILL BE AWESOME!" I watched the rum cake rise as if in slow motion. I saw it coming down, enhaloed in shimmering golden god rays of sunlight. My hand came up, then down, my fingers clenched… NAILED IT!

Except I didn't because my fingers clenched like a second too late and instead, I ended up slam-dunking Bilbo right in the head. He scrambled away into the corner and glowered at me with the seething hatred of a thousand volcanoes. I can't say as I blame him. I mean, how would you feel if you were minding your own damn business only to find yourself on the receiving end of a random meteoric rum cake smiting? My basenjis caught wind of this at which point they both ran out into the kitchen and froze, like… Dog.exe has stopped functioning because the conflict between wanting to "Hungry Hungry Hippo floorbound food before the other dog gets it" and "chase cat" fried their little doggy brains. I used that moment to quickly scoop it back up and see if it was salvageable.

Aside from a little cat hair, it was okay. I gave it a bath in some eggnog (would have used milk but we were out and not a single one of the fucknodules I live with thought to put it on the grocery list) then I set it in the oven for a bit because I was NOT about to let this big, beautiful rum cake be ruined by cat hair and kitchen floor detritus. It was surprisingly quite yummy heated up which is great but I think Bilbo probably won't be speaking to me for a while.

TL;DR: TIFU by slam-dunking my cat in the head with rum cake.
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:iconjonathonn4:
jonathonn4 Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2017
I'm surprised your family has managed to survive in this container filled world. Did you friend send a literal ton if it's been a year and you still have a stack of the cake left? Also if they've been just sitting in a room for a year they might give twinkies a run for their money. 
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:iconbjpentecost:
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
I meant last year as in 2017. XD
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:iconjonathonn4:
jonathonn4 Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2017
Shouldn't you be getting back to the future then? What are you doing posting this in the past?
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:iconbjpentecost:
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
I was trying to fix 2016 but I only ended up making things worse! D:
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:iconjonathonn4:
jonathonn4 Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2017
SO IT WAS YOU who elected the annoying orange! The populism meter was supposed to go DOWN, not up!
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:iconblackroguedreams:
BlackRogueDreams Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2017
At least your furball waits until you're done cleaning it to use. My little poofball is quite happy to interrupt cleaning procedures to do her business.
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:iconbjpentecost:
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
Lol. XD
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:iconblackroguedreams:
BlackRogueDreams Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2017
Of course she has to take her sweet time doing it.
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:iconanchoredtether:
AnchoredTether Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
"JESUS METRIC HOLY CHRIST-TON" I am dying. Reading this totally made my day. XD
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:iconsmall-brown-dog:
Small-Brown-Dog Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2017
Speaking as a small brown dog I have to say that was a win :)
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:iconbjpentecost:
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
Hooman 1
Cat 0
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:icononeironautika:
Oneironautika Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2017  Hobbyist Photographer
Yep...  I just completely lost it at "random meteoric rum cake smiting".

rofl 
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:iconbjpentecost:
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
:D RUM CAKE FROM THE SKY!
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:iconanotalenthack:
anotalenthack Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2017
Poor kitty.
I know those kind of situations.
I'm happy the cake survived though!

Incidentally, what does TIFU mean?
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:iconquazbut:
Quazbut Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
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:iconanotalenthack:
anotalenthack Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2017
Ah, thanks!
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:iconweimao:
WeiMao Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2017
Poor Bilbo, but omg I almost fell out of my chair laughing. :D
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:iconartbysandijohnson:
ArtbySandiJohnson Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2017  Professional Traditional Artist
Oh, that is hilarious and so like both types of critters.
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:iconxxmossfacexx:
xxMossfacexx Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Lolz hey that cat put himself in the smack fucking middle of the danger zone. Any slamdunk head bops he experiences are risks he was willing to take upon entering the kitchen premises.

Also BASENJIS I LOVE THEM, ancient breed types are the besssst dooogggss. I love really smart breeds and its hard to beat the general lack of inbreeding and health problems. I have a shiba and he is the cutest lil button and his best friend at the dog park is a basenji. Watching their curly tails flap about in the breeze as they careen past the other dogs together completes me. XD
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:iconxxmossfacexx:
xxMossfacexx Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
xxmossfacexx.deviantart.com/ar…

Here is one! I have to find more later but this is a nice cute pic of him and my kitty bein buds. They are such a pair sometimes. X3
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:iconbjpentecost:
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
Omg, shiba/basenji best buddies- that's so adorable. XD 

And yeah, I love basenjis. They can be difficult but they're great dogs once you get used to their... uniqueties. XD bjpentecost.deviantart.com/art… Here's my girl senji when she was a puppy. She's really sweet but completely batshit crazy. XD
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:iconxxmossfacexx:
xxMossfacexx Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
So CUUUUUTE! Dat pupper doe. Brindle is by far my favorite coat aside from solids, she is so pretty! Which reminds all of my pictures of my dog are on my phone or FB lolz.

He is just a cream with cinnamon colored ears! He looked like a chubby polar bear cub when he was a puppy tho omg hahaha.

If I hadn't been training dogs and worked at a vet and actual zoo, I would not feel comfortable having such smart animals LOL. I was stoked about getting my sheeb cuz I knew I could handle him. He is actually my service dog now! He helps me walk around, alerts to anxious behaviors that could mean panic attack incoming, and he helps me do chores like laundry! If only he was bigger... *Eyes japanese akitas*... XD

But for apartments, little dog is go-to. He is soooo strong though it is crazy. And he has his zoomies moments where hes just a white blur across the apartment... And the neighbors below us are assholes so I totally encourage him... Sorrynotsorry.
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:iconbjpentecost:
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
Oh gosh. I had a basenji who was a service dog at a nursing home. It was a constant comedy routine. She'd peel the labels off the careplan folders and shred them. She'd go in people's rooms and steal their underwear. I think one of the funniest sights I've ever seen was watching Gordy wheeling after her shouting "she took muh drawers!" while she charged down the hall, sailing a big ole pair of tighty-whiteys like a flag on the battle field. XD We also used to have to play "find the poop" because at least once a week, she'd poop somewhere inside but she knew she wasn't supposed to so she'd try to find somewhere to sneak-a-poop.

We occasionally let the residents walk her on a leash outside and she'd promptly turn them into a maypole because she's a basenji and they are, by genetic rote, incapable of walking in a straight line. Once, she jumped up on the counter in the nurse's station and stole one of those little plastic single-serving ice cream cups then ran off with it. That was the day we discovered she really loves vanilla ice cream. We had to chase her all over the floor and when we finally caught up with her, there was nothing left but a squiggle of slimy, chewed up plastic.

Fun times. XD
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:iconxxmossfacexx:
xxMossfacexx Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Omg i love that haha all the shenanigans!! Kumo doesnt like other people enough to be like that but hes nuts about me. Even my husband has issues handling him sometimes but hes my little polar angel. I love to let him go nuts though. He totes does the maypole things when hes not working LOL. He is fond of shredding paper too though! If we leave it on the floor it is fair game, thats something hes just starting to get over. But, part of what I do, is designate good paper from bad paper. He can shred all the boxes and paper bags he wants (much to the cat's dismay), but then if something falls it has to be off limits. Its a WIP but hes hilarious. He has gotten into the habit of finding things and bringing them to me as of for permission. Its a win win for him, he knows hes eother about to have way too much fun, or get treats LOL.

Do your basenjis prefer to play with bigger dogs too? Kumo cant give little breeds the time of day, it has to be his size or bigger xD and he likes to act so fast darting back and forth around them lmao. Watching him try to outrun great danes is the most stoogely thing I have ever seen a dog do. They always catch him and he just flips himself head over heels onto the ground and barrel rolls away LOL
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:iconbjpentecost:
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
Oh gosh no. XD My basenjis despise all other dogs. They like playing with the cats, however.

>"They always catch him and he just flips himself head over heels onto the ground and barrel rolls away LOL"

That's too funny. XD
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:iconxxmossfacexx:
xxMossfacexx Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Hes like I AM JAPANESE, NINJA IS IN MY BLOOD and I am like *facepalm* wow that's not even... Nevermind.

*pats gently and sends pure white dog to roll in some more mud*

Does your cat appreciate the dogs as much as they appreciate him? XD
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:iconbjpentecost:
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
>Does your cat appreciate the dogs as much as they appreciate him? XD

NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

The basenjis think it's a game, the cats think they're being targeted by terrorists. =P 
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(1 Reply)
:iconjames-is-james:
James-Is-James Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Poor kitty!
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:iconbjpentecost:
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
He's already over it. In fact, right at this very moment, he is tapdancing all over my keyboard and aiming his bunghole right at my face, the meteoric rum cake smite having apparently been completely forgotten.
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:iconjames-is-james:
James-Is-James Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Well, the neat thing about cats is that they like to exercise all of their behaviors, from purring-I-am-kitty-LOVEME! to screaming-hissing-HOW-DARE-YOU-TOUCH-MY-BELLY-just-because-I-was-rolling-on-my-back-coyly-right-in-front-of-you!  When I was a young lad I tried to encourage the behaviors that would result in less damage to me but now that I am older than dirt and on the third installment of cats I pretty much go with the flow...
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