Stop licking my pants!

I am going to be gone for a week but in the meantime, here are a few out of context snippets from my life that may or may not cause life-threatening aneurysms entertain you while I'm gone. Keep in mind that each of these arose from perfectly normal conversation. I am going to do x, y, and z while attempting to 3 on Tuesdays at cheesegrater with a little bit of getting' jiggy wid it. Lawn chair. Giggidy-giggidy. *Eyebrow-waggle.*

Out of context

I don't care if you're naked, my turkey is burning!

Why is your ass in my salad?

I have never in my life been so grateful to not be a wombat.

Stop licking my pants!

This all could have been avoided if Sir William had been here to pee on us.

It'll be just like you went to the salon and got a hooficure.

Are you trying to put your parabola in my sine wave?  

Unless it is a vibrating banana, I am not interested.  

So I leapt out of the cowpie only to find myself dancing around in a pile of dead armadillo.

Unfortunately, things being such as they are, I fear that our horns shall never be catered to.

Pardon me for just a  moment, I need to put my boobs away.

*shouted with great desperation* WHY DO I HAVE CLOTHES ON!?

Shit, there is a mammoth fuck-party coming after me. They're mad because I stole their cheese.  

No. You CANNOT use your vagina like a cannon!

No one should be allowed to shave bears, ever.  

I've got my abortion sneakers on.  

I AM ANGRY!..... LET ME GIVE YOU A BLOW JOB.

I will never eat eel again, not after that dream about Voldemort.

Mmmm! Dynamite! That sounds delicious.

And she got me right in the ass with a surprise curling-iron!

You can learn a lot about things by lighting them on fire.

Yeah but you don't usually eat a propane tank.  

I'm busy trying to fend off the oyster-seeking missile over here.

You wouldn't be the first person to throw a hunk of meat at my head.

Get your dick out of my ear, I can't see the TV.

Apparently I've found a dolphin.

Snow-Gug and the Seven Ghasts, hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to kill we go!

Get your chicken out of my boobs!

Hammer time! *Starts hopscotching flamboyantly around all the alligators.*

I'll have you know that I am an excellent triangle!

The only real problem with that is the potential for getting hot cooking grease all over your tits.

How exactly did you glue your nose to your foot?

My butt begs to differ!

That was far less satisfying than I expected lizard sex to be.

Bobbie........How did your hair get in my socks? I'm in China!

No noisy butt pecans?

Are you seriously using my boobs as feet-warmers?

Greetings, Earthlings! We come in piece. Take us to your vagina!

He stops every thirty feet to do a voodoo ritual in his pants.

I become a turtle and your ass disappears.

Is he sky humping her?

Try giraffe malfunction. We'll see how that sounds.

The right boob doesn't know what the left boob is doing.

First you kick my face in, then you steal my transplant? Evil bitch.

I upside down woman's  butt you.

Well nothing could stop him anyway. Have you seen the guy? He could part your ass cheeks like the Red Sea.

No, that's my foot. I left my dick at home.

I will lock my ass down like Fort Knox and post the Balrog at the front gates. YOU SHALL NOT PASS! 

May I utilize your butt?

The juicer shot his payload down some asshole's grenade launcher.

You have the most extraordinary butt muscles I have ever felt!

Beaver-muff the Lobster, everyone's favorite foghorn is back in town?

*Grabs my left boob.* Engarde!

Damn shame about that proboscis monkey. But hey, at least we can all say he went down with a stunningly graceful pirouette.