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Glossary of the Aleythir [This is very much a WIP]

Aleythir: The Aleythir (uh-LAY-theer), also known as the Fifth Force, aleythiron field energy, or aleythir plasmic-radiation, is similar to electromagnetic radiation in that it can manifest in various ways depending on energy and wavelength- ethyr, ley, and myst with ley being the longest and myst being the shortest. Aleythir plasmic-radiation propagates through space at a base rate of 1.12358 meters per minute.

When the Aleythir is referred to as its collective whole, it is capitalized but when local aleythir is referred to, it is left lowercase much in the same way Earth is capitalized when referring to the planet but lowercase when referring to a handful of dirt. "Aleythir" is a generalized term referring to the aleythiron field, a universal network of aleythiric energy spanning the cosmos which interweaves and suffuses all known dimensions.  

The word "Aleythir" in Ha'ashian roughly translates to "the Great All-God." It is a shortening of the term aleith aeyr a thir (pronounced uh-LAY-ith eye-EAR ah THEER). The Ha'ashians were the first to attempt a comprehensive examination of the Aleythir.

There is nothing "magical" about the Aleythir, though, before it was properly understood, it was assumed to be magic. Thusly "magical" terms are often used to describe it colloquially and there are many people who believe it is magic regardless of the fact that it is not. Some people even worship it as a deity and believe it is sentient or sapient, though, there is no current evidence of this. The Aleythir is falsifiable, testable, and can form the basis for predictive models, thusly, it falls within the purview of science.

Before the Aleythir can be properly understood, certain foundational facts must be elucidated:

Manifold dimensionality: The universe is fractaline, layered, manifold, and multifaceted with more than the initially proposed ten or eleven dimensions.

Primeonic Dimensions: The Primeonic dimensions include the three basic spatial dimensions, time, and all branchings therefrom.

Voidyr: Voidyr is a patch of spacetime devoid of aleythiron field energy. Ethyric voidyr is a space wherein ethyron field energy has been depleted, leyic voidyr is a space wherein leyon field energy has been depleted, and mystic voidyr is a space wherein myston field energy has been depleted.

Aleythir plasmic-radiation propagates very slowly through space with ley propagating the slowest and myst propagating the quickest. All aleythirons travel at the same speed through the same medium, however, ley interacts more with spacetime as it is larger wavelength and myst interacts less as its wavelength is shorter with a smaller amplitude. A patch of voidyr the size of an average person may close in minutes. Voidyr the size of a small house could take an hour or two to close up. Voidyr the size of a large house could take several hours. 
The Ayeth: The Ayeth is hypothesized to constitute a sort of "buffer zone" between universes and is believed to be inaccessible by any life forms as all working multiversal models contend that the rules of known physics would break down within this space. The Ayeth is believed to contain pure, raw energy in its most basic form at a density far surpassing that of neutron stars. Despite its magnitudinous density, the Ayeth flows freely like veins throughout the multiverse. It also "leaks" aleythiroplasmic streams that provide a continuous flow of matter and energy throughout the multiversal dimensions. The Ayeth is in a constant state of flux and does not form a rigid wall between universes so much as a flexible, bubbling, scintillant membrane. In this context, the fabric of the universe can be said to resemble soapy foam with bubbles ever expanding, popping, and reforming.

Other hypotheses contend that there is nothing beyond the Ayeth, that the Ayeth is actually true vacuum, or that the Ayeth loops around like the outer shell of a torus, giving our universe a blurred donut-like shape with Primeon at the center. There are other, stranger hypotheses still.

The word "Ayeth" in Ha'ashian means "true chaos." It is a shortening of the term "aya'ha eth" (pronounced eye-YAHA eth).

The Mesoayeth: The Mesoayeth is the interstitial medium, a cosmic peritoneum of sorts. It constitutes a buffer between the Primeonic dimensions and the Ayeth. The Ayeth, Mesoayeth, and Primeon dimensions are not separated by hard delineations but subtle gradations. The intermediary regions share properties of both parent regions. For example, Mesoprimeon, the gradient-region between the Mesoayeth and Primeon, shares qualities in common with both the Mesoayeth and Primeon.

Matter can exist in the Meso but it will eventually either be jettisoned into Primeon or pulled into the Ayeth depending on dimensional saturation and dimensional depth. Matter that approaches the Ayethine accretion tidewall is prone to being pulled in to the Ayeth and matter that approaches the Mesoprimeonic shore is prone to being jettisoned into Primeon. However, if the Ayeth and Primeon are saturated or "full," matter will not enter. Saturation tends to ebb and flow like tides in the ocean.

It is possible for some entities to make use of the Meso for travel. However, the prerequisites for this are cosmically rigorous. The entity must be aware of the Meso, able to sense it, able to willfully and directly interact with it, strong enough to propel themselves bodily into it, powerful enough to command the requisite energy to fuel the transfer, resilient enough to survive the explosive breach into Mesoprimeon, and resilient enough to survive the nonstandard physics inside Mesoprimeon. If an entity meets all those criteria, they might step into the Meso, traverse a Mesoayethine fold, and reappear in Primeon at a different location whence they initially entered. This is referred to as "Blinking" if done quickly over short distances and "mesowalking" (colloquially, teleporting) over longer distances.

The only entities that can move through the Mesoayeth are beings with extraordinary abilities, surpassing power, and very high healing factors. Entities that delve too far in or stay overlongly risk death. Sustained life deep within the Meso is thought to be impossible or extremely improbable, at least by current, Earth-centric definitions of what constitutes the word "life." There is evidence of entities that can survive and even thrive within Mesoprimeon.

From inside Mesoprimeon, the Primeonic dimensions appear bluish, warped as if being viewed from underwater, and distorted owing to the folding of spacetime. Dwelling within the Meso is said to engender a feeling of spatial asynchrony and displacement. From inside the Meso, ghost images of the fourth and fifth dimensions may be visible to entities who would typically not be able to see beyond the basic spatial dimensions.

Mesoineth: Inversion space

Aleythiric flux: The aleythiric field is always in a state of movement which is often described as "oceanlike" or fluid. This is called aleythiric flux and is caused by a number of naturally occurring phenomena, most notably the movement of the Ayeth.


Aspects of the Aleythir:

The aleythir consists of ethyr, ley, and myst which are all manifestations of aleythir plasmic-radiation.

The Ley

Ley, also known as "the aleythirokinetic force," or the "psychic force," can be divided into two aspects- the leyon field and the leyic web. The leyon field is comprised of leyoplasmic radiation that pervades the entire known universe and likely other local cluster universes. 

Leyists (colloquially, psychics, people who are capable of willfully and directly sensing and interacting with ley) describe the leyon field as being like an omnipresent, clear, glittering liquid that gently ebbs, flows, and occasionally shudders like shaken gelatin (a symptom of Aleythiric flux). Psychics almost universally describe being connected to the leyon field like being a quantity of water. They feel everything within their psychic range as if it was all submerged within them. They feel people moving through their psychic awareness like fish through a pond. They can feel what is inside a closed box or sense a person standing in another room, feel the movements of creatures underfoot, birds flying overhead, the flow of water, the layout of a building they are in, and much more.

This ability is limited to an individual psychic's range and it also requires leyic suffusion (the area must contain ley as opposed to being voidyric). People, movements, or objects will fade from psychic awareness once they leave the psychic's range. Detail will also fade with range. A psychic can discern subtle details and nuance at close range but the further out an object gets, the less a psychic is able to discern. For a human psychic, the average psychic range is typically around twenty-five feet with a few outliers having almost no range and some having very long ranges. The longest psychic ranges tend to found in beings classified as great archentities and zenith entities (gods).

Despite any resemblance to water, the leyon field behaves more like a sort of cosmic gelatin. It is a natural continuation of the Mesoayeth that thins dramatically and evens out as it proceeds towards Primeon. 

The leyic web is comprised of concentrated leyoplasmic condensate known as "ley lines" which form a neural network-like web spanning the cosmos. They manifest as glassy ribbons twining and rolling about lazily, adrift as if on placid ocean currents. Small pulsating orbs where ley lines join up are called "nexus points" or ley nexes. When a ley line is pulled straight, miniscule, pulsing beads of leyoradiant light will appear. These are ley nexes connected to threads of ley too small for the naked eye to discern. They are always roughly evenly spaced and can be used as a means of inexact measurement.

The leyic web is what allows psychics to perform telekinesis, clairaudience, clairvoyance, and such. Psychics describe ley lines as being like an extension of their bodies or like extra limbs. The leyon field can be commanded to move small objects like ping pong balls or popcorn within a short range but for heavier lifting or long distance leyestra, ley lines must be employed. Both the leyon field and ley lines are employed when a psychic holds their weight aloft in the ley to glide, hover, or fly.

Ley and matter: Leyokinetic potential and leyokinetic energy reside within all matter. It is one of the key aspects that allows psychics to interact with ley and command ley to interact with matter. It is rooted within the space between the nuclei and the valence shells of atoms, though, some does exceed the valence shell, creating a subtle leyoradiant halo. This is what psychics are interacting with when they command the ley to interact with matter. The natural vibration of atoms causes the leyokinetic energy in all things to vibrate and emit leyoradiant light. Denser materials appear to glow brighter and less dense materials emit a weaker glow.

Psychics are able to willfully and directly sense and interact with ley due to their unique neuroleyic systems. All known living beings on Earth are suffused with ley but the psychic nervous system is ley-integrative. The toes, fingertips, palms, eyes, ears, tongue, elbows, knees, heels, hips, chest, skin, and brain all sport ley-attuned nerve "buds" that allow for sensing or interacting with ley. These vary across the body. The eye nerve-buds allow psychics to see the ley. Skin nerve-buds allow psychics to interpret ley as touch and sense everything around them. Ear nerve-buds allow psychics to hear through the ley. Fingertip nerve-buds allow psychics to manipulate the ley in an exact manner such as for writing, sewing, painting, surgery, or other such delicate activities. Elbow, knee, hip, palm, toe, heel, and chest nerve-buds allow for broader interactions with the ley such as generating a leyic shield, holding one's weight aloft, or shoving someone away.

The configuration of leyic nerve-buds is unique to each psychic to some extent and varies based on numerous factors, the key ones seeming to be circumstances during fetal development, genetics, nutrition, and early childhood development. This is why some psychics may be able to sense the ley but not command it or able to see the ley but not hear it. Some can perform precise operations but cannot perform broader, more powerful maneuvers. Some can hold their weight aloft and others cannot. Thus, being a psychic does not necessarily imply that one will have access to the full breadth and depth of documented psychic abilities.

These nerve-buds can be opened and closed at will. If a psychic closes their eye nerve-buds, they will cease to see the ley. If the a psychic closes their ear nerve-buds, they will cease to hear the ley. If they close their skin nerve-buds, they will cease to sense the ley. These buds are very small, typically about the size of a grain of rice in most humans, though, in other species and kinds, they can take on varying shapes and configurations. Demons, for example, are known to have numerous bud-cluster sites. Aclarians are known to have larger, conical-shaped buds.

It is not known how psychic abilities are acquired but it is believed to involve other means than heredity as psychic ancestry is not a guarantee of psychic progeny, though, psychics are more likely to be born inside psychic lineages. Whether the requisite developmental processes occur during embryogenesis seems to be mostly luck of the draw, at least so far as modern science can tell. This is true of humans but other species and kinds typically differ in this regard. For example, it is extremely rare to encounter an aclarian, fey, or demon that does not have at least some psychic capabilities. In fact, for many kinds and species, it is considered a disability to not have psychic abilities.

In a nor (noraleythai- any being who is blind, deaf, numb, and otherwise incapable of interacting both directly and willfully with aleythir), DNA polymerase synthesizes DNA from deoxyribonucleotides. In a developing psychic, leyoplasmic strands interlace with the DNA polymerase enzymes via leyokinetagenic monomers which aid in synthesizing ley-integrated DNA. This DNA eventually builds ley-infused genes that code for ley-infused proteins which comprise the neuroleyic structures necessary for a psychic to command ley.

The energy necessary to command or interact with ley is generated in the heart which, in aleythai (a general term for any being capable of interacting directly and willfully with aleythir), acts as a sort of aleythiric battery. This is standard for most aleythai. The energy proceeds from the heart, down the nerves, and into the nerve-buds. The flow of energy is controlled by ae-gates which are essentially the biological equivalents of flow control units.


The Ethyr

She laughed. "I could fill a small library with that much explanation. It is very complicated. It involves quickening the natural propagation rate of ethyr, causing it to supersaturate matter which atomizes it and… it could take all day to explain."

Ethyrists can become overtaxed and their fingers/hands will go numb.

Ethyr appears as rainbow strands of glittery smoke slithering through the air, diffusing, reforming, sparse and amorphous here, dense and sharp there, fast here, slow there, moving as if by the sway of gentle ocean tides. Every color and value appearing in the ethyr represents an incremental variation in aleythir plasmic-radiation wavelength and amplitude, white being the longest and largest, black being the shortest and smallest. Ethyr is synthesized exclusively in the Ayeth and proceeds all the way into Primeon. The ethyron field is the medium through which ethyric energy propagates.

Ethyrists (those capable of willfully and directly interacting with and sensing ethyr), can perform ethystra (colloquially, spellwork). This is an extremely complex and very dangerous endeavor that requires advanced understanding of physics, chemistry, biology, and ethyrochemistry. Ethyrists have one of the highest accidental death rates of any demographic in recorded history. Classical depictions of ethyrists locked in battle "flinging spells" back and forth at each other, while very exciting from a literary standpoint, are wildly inaccurate. Ethystra requires intense concentration and stillness. This is not to say ethyrists cannot utilize their abilities in combat; they certainly can, though, they are not going to be casting ethystra in the middle of a melee.

If an ethyrist wishes to cast a spell, the very first thing he must do is locate materials in the environment containing the necessary elements. If an ethyrist wishes to create quartz, he must first locate materials such as sand or silicone compounds that contain silicon and oxygen which is what quartz is made of. If the goal is to create methanol, he must first locate materials that contain carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen such as plastics or lipids. This material is known as ethystragenic material (colloquially, sacrifice material).

Most ethyrists can sense the chemical composition of matter within their ethyroperceptual range as they have a nervous system that is very similar to that of psychics, though, attuned to the ethyric wavelengths instead of the leyic wavelengths. Ethyrists can see, hear, and feel the ethyr. Additionally, they have other senses that are roughly analogous to taste and smell. These senses allow them to discern the chemical composition of matter which is useful for locating the materials they need. Ethyrists have fewer nerve-buds than psychics, typically in the fingers, eyes, ears, tongue, nose, and skin.

After acquiring the requisite materials, the ethyrist must compel ethyr to "ethyrate" them. "Ethyration" is the process by which ethyroplasmic radiation is compelled to supersaturate atoms, adding onto ethyr already present in the space between the nuclei and valence shells. Ethyrists sense when source material has been fully ethyrated, also known as the ethyration point. Ethyr will cease flowing into the source material when this happens and ethyrists will sense a sort of stillness through the material.

Each atom will appear as a tiny pinprick of light with a broad "halo" roughly the size of a large marble and shaped like the atoms' electron wave function. This process separates the atoms from each other, creating a glittery particle cloud of dimly glowing light with ethyric spectral emission (ESE) corresponding to the chemical elements present. Ethyr will take root in atoms on its own but it will not supersaturate them unless prompted to.

The ethyration process may require a small or great amount of energy depending on the strength of the chemical bonds in the spell material. Materials that are weakly bonded are easier to ethyrate where as more strongly bonded matter such as diatomic nitrogen or carbon monoxide can be difficult to ethyrate except by very potent ethyrists. The potential ethyrokinetic energy within ethyr does facilitate this process to a fair degree. Typically, breaking diatomic nitrogen apart requires about as much energy as a lightning strike but facilitated by ethyr, a mere fraction of that energy is necessary. Even still, ethyrating diatomic nitrogen is no easy feat.

The average ethyration rate is approximately one teaspoon per second, though, it may rise or fall dramatically depending on the substance (denser substances tend to take longer) and the ethyrist's potency.

The remainder of energy required to ethyrate matter is generated within the ethyrist's heart, same as psychics. Commanding the ley and ethyr can often consume an enormous amount of calories. Thus, ethyrists and psychics tend to have very high caloric needs. Many aleythai possess a special kind of fat called "RDT" or "rapid-depletion triglyceride." This special kind of fat is an aleythai's main defense against the potentially harmful effects of aleythir-actory overexertion. Kinds or species of aleythai that do not possess RDT (which is most common in humans or human-derivative species and kinds) often have analogous tissues such as rapid-release glucose cell stores suspended in lipoprotein matrices, HDL musculolipid strands, or lipoglucose film layers.

After the ethyration process, the ethystra material will float in the air, held aloft by ethyrostatic forces. However, it is still affected by gravity which will cause lighter molecules to float away and heavier molecules to sink. This can be prevented via ethyrokinesis. Ethyrokinesis is the process of manipulating matter via its ethyric energy content. It is a far weaker force than telekinesis (manipulating matter by its leyic energy content) and has a much shorter range. Ethyrokinesis is performed by generating ethyric charge from the actory nerve-buds, usually in the palms and fingertips.

Ethyrated matter that is undesired for ethystran purposes may be left in the environment. The ethyroplasmic radiation halo prevents atoms from forming chemical bonds, however, the halo will eventually dissipate, leaving the matter free to interact with the environment and form chemical bonds (this can occasionally be hazardous and conscientious ethyrists will not leave potentially dangerous ethyrated matter laying about in the environment).

The next phase of ethystra is the procedural propagation phase. Say an ethyrist wishes to form butyric acid and has ethyrated material containing carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen. Being that there may be many trillions upon trillions of atoms even in a small amount of matter, it is impossible to individually instruct every single atom. Fortunately, the ethyrist need do no such thing. He must simply select a few atoms necessary to create what is called a "prime molecule." For butyric acid, this consists of four carbon atoms, eight hydrogen atoms, and two oxygen atoms.

The ethyrist must arrange the atoms just so, preferably consulting an ethyrochemistry book for safety and accuracy. It is quite easy to accidentally create the wrong molecule. This is especially true of more complex molecules. Even misplacing one single atom can result in a very different material than intended or a similar material that may behave differently or unexpectedly. For example, one oxygen atom is the difference between water and hydrogen peroxide which may look similar but have wildly varying properties (namely that hydrogen peroxide is potentially explosive, corrosive, and toxic).

The ethyrist must ethyrokinese the proper atoms into place. With a little bit of coaxing, halo bonds will form and the prime molecule will come to resemble a larger, more colorful version of what a molecule of butyric acid would look like. Halo bonds form of their own volition, simultaneously mimicking and temporarily preventing the chemical bonds that will eventually take place. It is impossible to control the electrons directly but they can be coaxed by positioning ethyrated atoms certain ways such that they will bond in the desired fashion. Halo-bonded atoms will collapse into what appears (but is not actually) a singular dot.

The ethyrist must instruct the ethyric charge-formation of the prime molecule to propagate throughout the atom-cloud, causing all the other atoms to mimic the formation of the prime molecule at which point the configuration will propagate throughout the rest of the ethystra cloud. Now, the ethyrist is left with a cloud of ethyrated butyric acid molecules held aloft by ethyrostatic forces. Procedural propagation will most often cause the ethyrated matter to change color and that color can vary based on many different factors such as electron configuration, molecular configuration, atomic weight, environment, etc… Ethystraen color is also affected by the perceptual color mixing phenomenon.

The ethyrist must take temperature (the average kinetic energy of the particles) into consideration. The form matter takes, solid, liquid, or gas, depends in part on temperature which can be controlled to some extent depending on the material's boiling and melting points and the ethyrist's ethyric potency (an ethyrist's capacity to amass, expend, and control aleythiric energy). Most learned and skilled ethyrists can, for example, create water in solid, liquid, or gaseous form by ethyrokinetically slowing down or speeding up particulate movement via increasing pressure or lowering pressure in the system through manipulation of ethyrostatic forces. However, creating solid methane is considerably more difficult as it has a very low melting point and creating liquid tungsten is extremely difficult as it has a very high melting point. Doing either of these things would require a great deal of energy to be amassed, expended, and controlled.

After creating the butyric acid prime molecule, procedurally propagating its configuration throughout the rest of the ethyrated material, and pressurizing the system, the ethyrist must exethyrate the matter (stripping away the ethyroplasmic radiation exceeding the valence shell). This will remove the aleythiric medium from the ethystral system, causing chemical bonds to form which will, if done properly, result in a quantity of butyric acid. This process will necessarily give off energy, sometimes a great deal of energy, as bond formations are exothermic. The ethyrist must carefully direct this energy into the ethyr through the exethyration process. Failure to do this properly can result in explosive consequences.

The ethyrist may still ethyrokinese the matter in this phase, though, only for a very short range (usually 30cm at most) and control is greatly diminished. This is because the halo has been reduced and the "ethyric handle" is therefore much shorter. Generally, it is a good idea to have a receptacle of some kind ready to place the material in. Most ethyrists will perform ethystra in a lab or workshop setting.

A great many different materials can be created this way- plastics, salts, metals, water, glass, crystals, gemstones, minerals- the possibilities are vast, though, not infinite. There are limitations. The more complex the molecule, the more difficult it is to recreate, the more energy it requires, and the easier it is to bungle. There are upper limits to the kinds of materials ethyrists can create.

The above described method works well for some materials but it may not work well or at all for others. Some materials require a slightly different approach, mainly in the propagation phase. For example, to create something with a crystalline structure, the crystalline structure must be defined in the propagation phase with at least three prime molecules and sometimes as many as seven. Some materials are best created separately or in subsequent stages, especially if the exethyration phase would be problematic. You don't, for example, want molecules of lithium and water slamming together right in front of your face as that could be explosively problematic.   

Ethyrists who are skilled, learned, and imaginative can command ethyrated matter clouds to form different shapes. It is similar to sculpting with clay, if a bit airier and less precise. Propagating the prime molecule configuration throughout a shaped ethyric substrate can yield bowls, plates, spheres, cubes, boxes, rods, cones, slabs, and more. Even more complex shapes can be achieved by ethyrists who are capable of commanding ley or who can work in tandem with psychics. Ley is far more versatile in terms of shapeability and can be formed into even more complex structures to provide a substrate for ethyr, allowing for the creation of artwork, machine parts, tools, jewelry, and various precise shapes.

The ethystran process can also be used to purify material. For example, ethyrating a quantity of dirty water will separate out all the atoms contained there in. The ethyrist can then create a water prime molecule and procedurally propagate the configuration. Atoms not affected by the propagation process (any atoms not present in the prime molecule) will remain separate and they can be used for other purposes or discarded. The resulting water will be virtually, perfectly pure.

Ethyrists must keep in mind that perfectly pure water can potentially be dangerous. Most living beings on Earth are accustomed to drinking water with trace amounts of potassium, chloride, calcium, and magnesium ions which are electrolytes essential to healthy, normal bodily function. Truly pure water will siphon these electrolytes out of your blood which can potentially lead to hypokalemia, hyponatremia, hypomagnesemia, and even death.

Ethyrists are generally admonished from using their abilities where nutrition or medical issues are concerned unless they have medical training. A well-rounded ethyrochemistry education will include at least some basic biology. A lot of harm can be done by a well-intentioned ethyrist who lacks proper education. 

Ethyric color: Each chemical element carries its own color band of ethyroplasmic luminescence corresponding to proton count, electron configuration, and electronegativity or electropositivity. Hydrogen, being the lightest atom, is pure white. Bismuth is very nearly black with a purplish-blue tint and everything after it is darker still. Between Bismuth and Hydrogen lies a rainbow's worth of color. To an ethyrist's eye, assuming their ocular nerve-buds are open, everything around them will appear to glow dimly in various colors.

Oftentimes, the color chemical compounds take may seem counterintuitive. For example, common sense would dictate that four hydrogen molecules, which have white ethyric spectral emission, bound to a carbon molecule with light pinkish-purple ESE, would yield a lighter color of pinkish-purple. Instead, under normal daylight conditions, to the eye of an ethyrist, pure methane ESE appears shimmering, pearlescent, and translucent, like a soap bubble but cloudy with a subtle teal-green tinge. It might seem reasonable to conclude that potassium permanganate would appear a brownish-green color to an ethyrist's eye owing to the fact that potassium ESE is gold, manganese ESE is red-orange, and oxygen ESE is teal. Instead, KMnO4 ethystra manifests as brilliant silvery-blue with scintillating gold and bronze flecks.

In order to see a material's ESE by itself instead of overlaying an object's visible spectrum light (which can interfere with the perception of ESE), an ethyrist can close their eyes but keep their ocular nerve-buds open. Instead of blackness, which is what nors see, an ethyrist will see the world as if it is made out of dimly glowing rainbow glitter against a black background. Ethyroperceptual range is much shorter than psychic range, five feet on average. The longest ethyroperceptual range on record belonged a humanine woman able to sense the ethyr within matter up to thirty-five feet away.

Ethyron energy color bands:

- Hydrogen: White not to be confused with the ley which typically has a subtle cyan-blue hue.
- Alkali earth metals: Buttery yellow-white descending to gold.
- Alkaline earth metals: Light orange descending to orangey-bronze
- Lanthanides: Ruddy bronze to rusty bronze to orange.
- Actinides: Black.
- Transition metals: Orange, to red, to purple.
- Boron group: Light pink to darker purple pink.
- Carbon group: Light purple to darker purple.
- Pnictogens group: Light blue to sapphire. 
- Oxygen group: Light teal to dark teal.  
- Halogens: Sea foam green to emerald.
- Noble gasses: Pale green to dark green.

Unique elements:

- Hydrogen is the only element that is pure white.
- Fluorine glows the most brightly followed by oxygen, chlorine, and nitrogen.
- Potassium ESE is the most glittery followed by sodium and lithium.
- Some elements cannot be ethyrated. These include technetium, promethium, and all elements after bismuth. 

(Why doesn't ethyr ethyrate matter on its own? Ethyr typically does not propagate fast enough to supersaturate matter.)


[Everything beyond this point is especially unfinished and unpolished. Still very much a WIP]

Myst: Myst, once considered so incomprehensible that it formed the basis for the word "mysterious," is now known to comprise the gradient of shortest (measurable) wavelengths in the aleythir plasmic-radiation spectrum. Myst can be compelled to absorb, reflect, and emit visible light by altering the myston matrix structure, density, and vibrational kinetic energy (VKE) of myston-plasmic particulate, allowing for the creation of myst-matrix visible spectrum imagery (colloquially, illusions).

If a mystic wishes to create an illusion, the first thing he must do is to command a swath of "penumbral myst" which, to his eye, appears like clouds of shimmering heat mirage floating in the air. This is done in much the same way as psychics command ley and ethyrists command ethyr, that is to say, they too possess a neuroleyic network with nerve-buds which allow them to interact with an aspect of the aleythir. Mystics have fewer nerve-buds than ethyrists, typically in the eyes, skin, and fingers. At will, they can generate enough energy to compel myst via the nerve-buds in their fingertips.

After drawing a quantity of myst towards himself, the mystic must alter the qualities of the myst to produce different qualities of light. There are three main qualities of myst that can be altered- myston orientation, vibrational kinetic energy, and density.

Myston matrix structure: By altering particulate formation and propagating that formation, the mystic can create the appearance of specular and diffuse surfaces. This is somewhat similar to how ethyrists procedurally propagate ethystra, though, mystics have more control over how the formation propagates. Crystalline, quasi-amorphous, and amorphous structures can create a variety of different surface-qualities.

Density: The density of myston particulate can be altered to create the illusion of solidity, transparency, and translucency.

Vibrational Kinetic Energy: The vibrational kinetic energy of myst can be altered to generate different colors. Lower myston VKE levels yield warmer colors and higher myston VKE levels yield cooler colors. This is due to the fact that warm spectrum light is longer wavelength and travels through lower VKE myst particulate more readily whereas higher VKE myst blocks longer wavelengths, only allowing shorter wavelengths to pass through. Some mystics can, to some extent, generate ultraviolet and infrared radiation through the myst. To date, no mystic on record has been able to generate enough energy to produce ionizing UV radiation or microwaves.

These three qualities can be altered in various ways to produce varying outcomes. For example, orienting mystons in a dense, crystal-lattice formation []

Myst that has been affected in the aforementioned ways is called "umbral myst."

A mystic can shape myst to form whatever imagery his mind can come up with. He is limited only by his skill as a mystic and artist. However, there are ways mystics who are not artistically inclined can also create illusions. A mystic can compel myst to cling to an object's surface (this will not alter the object in any significant way) which will cause the myst to effectively copy the outside appearance of that object. For example, a mystic can compel myst to cling to an apple. After removing the actual apple, an exact visual copy will be left where the real apple was. Touching it will reveal that it is not solid. This technique can be used to reproduce virtually anything that gives off visible light, though, it is limited by a mystic's range and potency. Reproducing an apple is a lot easier than reproducing an elephant. It is also much harder to reproduce something that is moving or transient in nature. Trying to copy something that is moving will result in motion-related distortion.

Myst can be compelled to effect electromagnetic radiation in the visible, ultraviolet, and infrared ranges. Frequency correlates to color and amplitude correlates to brightness. Lower velocities of myston plasma-particulate will produce darker values and higher velocities will produce lighter values. Higher densities will produce warmer colors and lower densities will produce cooler colors. Very high velocities and densities can generate a glowing effect. Very high density and very high velocity myst can become dangerous and is commonly used by mystics to blind enemies. Mystics can also manipulate myst to effectively make objects, people, and even themselves invisible, turn a room completely dark, and create mirror surfaces.

Once created, an illusion can be compelled to move, though, this will often produce blurring and distortions. Still, it can be enough to trick a nor. If left alone, it will remain stationary. Touching it will have no effect on it as it can only be affected by high-energy aleythiric forces. Illusions will, however, eventually fade in time, becoming increasingly transparent and turning into antumbral myst which is non-interactive.

Of all three primary aspects comprising the aleythir plasmic-radiation spectrum, myst typically requires the least amount of energy. It is also considered the least dangerous, though, it has been used to great (or terrible) effect by thieves, spies, infiltrators, con artists, and warriors.


Brief History of the Aleythir
When or how the aleythir came to be is not known. All we have is speculation, much of which clashes with what was previously known science. Some scientists suggest that it was forged in the big bang like all other known forms of energy and matter. Others believe that it is artificial, possibly created by intelligent life forms somewhere out there in the galaxy. It is impossible to say and we may never know the story of its origins. We do, however, have a somewhat clear picture of its history on Earth.

Aleythirologists contend that Earth developed within a large patch of voidyr (a space devoid of aleythiron field energy). However, in times past, the aleythir seeped in, closing up the voidyr. It came and went many times throughout the course of Earth's early history. Sometimes it touched down in parts of the world while others remained voidyric and occasionally, aleythiric flux caused shifts, bringing aleythir and voidyr to different parts of the world. From the Permian era throughout the Mesozoic era and all the way up to the early Paleocene, aleythir engulfed the entire planet, saturating it thoroughly. This is believed to have been caused by a major cosmic event occurring within the galaxy.

In the span of time aleythir was present, some creatures began evolving to make use of aleythir in the very most rudimentary ways. There were plants that excited the leyon field to zap insects, animals that used the ley in self-defense, bacterial colonies that made use of leyic cohesive forces to form massive clumps. Some even used it to aid in flight. The ley provided a whole additional vector for evolution to work through. 

As the aleythir waned and voidyr returned, these creatures were no longer able to command the ley. The departure of aleythir resulted in extinctions and ecological upheavals often attributed to asteroids, volcanic activity, disease, and such. The biological mechanisms for controlling ley never fully went away since there was nothing selecting against them. They propagated in much the same way harmless neutral mutations do like blue eyes or red hair. Some of these mechanisms were even exapted.

So when aleythir returned during the early Pleistocene, it did not take long for many creatures to quickly re-evolve the ability to command the ley since the biological hardware was already in place. Hominids, likely being among the smartest creatures on the planet, began using the ley in ways nature had never seen before. Mind you, not every member of a species can command the ley, only a small percentage. This is because the manner in which leyons integrate into DNA is tenuous, unpredictable, and can sometimes result in catastrophic negative consequences leading to injury, stillbirth, or even death. So in a tribe of perhaps one hundred hominids, perhaps two or three could command the ley.

The aleythir waned once again, leaving most of the Earth in voidyr, though, it still clung to small places here and there. In those places, people continued evolving with the ley. In time, as hominids wisened up, they began unraveling the mysteries of the Aleythir… well, as much as they were able to. They coined terms like "ley" and "ethyr" and "myst." They observed leyic and mystic phenomena, though, the ethyr was beyond their comprehension.

In time, they discovered the Mesoayeth, a sort of cosmic membrane connecting different universes. Imagine soapy foam with the big bubbles being universes and the foam being the Mesoayeth.



Majai: A majai is an aleythai who can command all three primary aspects of the aleythir.

Nerve-buds: Little budlike structures that grow along the leyic nerves. These are what allow psychics, ethyrists, and mystics to interact with the ley, ethyr, and myst.


Soul - Medyr Intyr Extyr

Mortal Demi-mortal Demi-immortal Immortal

True death

Tier (one through ten)



The Ten Godly Talents



Demon - daemon - evil

Aclarian - angel - holy - holy being

Fey Abstract Wisekind Human Arusai Therian Beast

Runine - runes - runework - enchantment



Mystaura borealis







Sigil - sigilic bead

Voidyr - voidyric scar

The use of capital letters such as in Talent, Gift, and Blink

Third eye

Healing factor

Aleythai: Aleythai is a general catchall term for any entity that can willingly and directly sense and interface with the Aleythir. There are many different kinds of aleythai but the primary and most common kinds are ethyrists (those able to sense and command ethyr), psychics (those able to sense and command ley), and mystics (those able to sense command myst). Aleythai are not common in the world and may constitute as little as two to five percent of the known population. 

Nor: Any being that cannot directly and willfully interface with the Aleythir is called a nor. Norkind constitute the vast majority of life on Earth. Nors are completely blind, deaf, and dumb to resting aleythir, though, they can sometimes see the results of spellcasting, psycasting, and mystwork. There are also tools and technologies at the disposal of nors which allow them to see aleythir.

Demi-aleythai: Any entities that fall into the gray area between nor and aleythai are called demi-aleythai." A winged entity may be able to make use of the ley to fly and glide yet be incapable of commanding the ley in any other way. An entity may be able to command particles to slow down or speed up to some small extent but may not be able to accomplish much more than that. An entity might be able to draw a very simple, dim light from the myst but be incapable of commanding it in a more complex manner.


Aleythir-related facts:

Most recent census polls estimate that approximately 1.5% of the known world population fits the definition of ethyrist. Roughly 15% of ethyrists are physically or mentally incapable of drawing from the ethyr due to some hindrance either inherent or acquired, the most common being mental insufficiency with lack of education and physical deformity close behind. The potency of ethyrists vary by the individual, depending on their nature, development, nutrition, and various other . Most can draw hydrogen and helium. Many can draw elements all the way up to fluorine. Fewer can draw up to iron. Not very man can draw up to silver. Only a tiny percentage can draw up to bismuth.[]

Starvation lock

Aleythir cannot be observed or interacted with except within a context of aleythiron field energy.

Some beings have hearts that are constantly replenishing like the lining of a stomach which allows them to amass enormous amounts of energy. This is called a reservoir.

MRIs come back distorted. CAT scans come back blank. Medyr is emitting quasi-inert leyokinetic energy that interferes with the function of MRI and X-ray machines.

Quasi-inert leyokinetic energy interacts with atomic particles at a very low rate but it can interfere with radiowaves

Patient is positioned within an MRI scanner that forms a strong magnetic field around the area to be imaged. In most medical applications, protons (hydrogen atoms) in tissues containing water molecules create a signal that is processed to form an image of the body. First, energy from an oscillating magnetic field is temporarily applied to the patient at the appropriate resonance frequency. The excited hydrogen atoms emit a radio frequency signal, which is measured by a receiving coil. The radio signal can be made to encode positional information by varying the main magnetic field using gradient coils. As these coils are rapidly switched on and off they create the characteristic repetitive noise of an MRI scan. The contrast between different tissues is determined by the rate at which excited atoms return to the equilibrium state. Exogenous contrast agents may be given intravenously, orally or intra-articularly

The ley in nor nervous systems is reactive only. It does not do work. It only reacts to outside stimuli. In Aleythai, it is integrated and is capable of performing work. This is largely contingent on how aleythirons integrate into DNA.

Rest periods: Aleythai can't just go around full steam a head all the time. Usually, aleythai will rest during sleep but if they exert themselves too much, their nerve buds may shut down and they will disconnect from the aleythir.

Multiple ethyrists can work together to create complex molecules such as lignin, vancomycin, or Nystatin.

Nors are blind, deaf, and numb to aleythir except under certain circumstances such as when it is being excited or acted upon by an aleythai or a natural force.

Psychestra, ethystra, and mystera

Whether a person is a leyist, ethyrist, mystic, or some combination depends on how aleythiron energy bonds to their DNA. (similar to zwitterionic molecules that have a lipophilic side and a lipophobic side.)

Neuroleyic teardrops and ellipsoids determine psychic abilities. Teardrops = command and ellipsoids = sensory.

Ethyrons, mystons, and leyons are the "quanta" or the aleythiron field.

Ley lines, ethyr veins, and myst clouds are all condensate of their respective fields.

Leyists have more control over aleythiric condensate within their wavelength (ley lines) and mystics have more control over the aleythiron field within their wavelength (myston field).

Ethyr sits between ley and myst on the Aleythir plasmic-radiation spectrum and there is a little bleed-over on both ends. Ethyrokinesis is basically a very weak form of leyokinesis or, colloquially, telekinesis. That's how I can make use of the ley, if only in a very limited way, despite not being a leyist, and it's why there's a mystic halo around each atom. Ley hangs around the nucleus and gradates into ethyr then myst. When I supersaturate matter with ethyric energy, it expands the ethyr and pushed the myst outward. That's what you're seeing here.
Add a Comment:
jonathonn4 Featured By Owner Edited Feb 8, 2017
still needs an Edgelord and a wise druggy/old person to cover all of MacGuffin subraces. 
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Edited Feb 8, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
It's funny you say that because there are going to be two more characters coming later: Shitlord Van Edgemeister the Trollking of Redditland and   
Queen Bitchcunt the Fucknificient, Goddess Sovereign of Tumblrland. :P
Hyratel Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2017
being on both those sites... those titles sound about right
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
Heheh. :B
jonathonn4 Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2017
ugg, the group should just let those two destroy each other. I did leave out the royal steriotype, but I though I saw a little bit of it in Mary Sue
runewuff Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2017  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
and i can STILL recognize the cast of [insert Hollywood blockbuster title here]!
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Edited Feb 8, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
I hereby dub thee; Astute Observation Guy.
Nayikee Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2017  Hobbyist Traditional Artist insanity in it's purest form. AND I LOVED EVERY WORD!!!!
By all means please continue on with this weird, wonderful tale of this world gone wacko!
Hooray for all the nonconformists of this world!
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
Sweet! I'm glad you like it. :) That's very encouraging.
Nayikee Featured By Owner Mar 6, 2017  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I love your brand of insanity. Keep em coming!:D (Big Grin) 
Timberwolf1969 Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist

BJPentecost Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
Hopefully you found it at least somewhat amusing because that's what I was going for. XD Thanks, either way.
Timberwolf1969 Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist



:rofl: :lmao:

GlacierDragon Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I think this is quite possibly the greatest thing I have ever read.
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
=P So you think I should continue? Believe me, I could do this stupid bullshit forever. It was actually a lot of fun. XD Anything else I've ever tried to write felt like a horrid slog but this was almost cathartic.
GlacierDragon Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I would definitely love to read more, yes XD (Actually, I came to this thinking it was going to be a story written in a serious tone...I was very worried from the opening, but then John's description alleviated all concerns.)
I know completely what you mean there! It's fun and relaxing at the same time because there's no need to worry about the "rules of good writing", and no niggling perfectionism pushing us to have everything pristine. If you enjoyed it that much then I say definitely do more c:

By the way, I read what you had posted here before, but didn't comment because I would have just been repeating what others had already said. But I am very intrigued by your ideas and would be interested in reading anything more you might decide to share! Your literature, characters, and especially your writing style (be it serious or humorous) is a refreshing change from the usual slew of sub-standard tripe that I often come across. You definitely know what you're doing, and while we all have room to improve, it's a skill that I for one certainly think you should pursue C:
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
Thanks! That's very encouraging. I'm glad to hear it. :) I think I might go with this one for now. I'm so close to my other project that I'm starting to think I might need to kill it and start over. This one flows so much more easily. That one feels like such a chore.
BerryTurtle Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Some people break the fourth wall. Some people piss on it.
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
I'm guessing you're not a fan then?
BerryTurtle Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Scary, instant reply, shakes, shivers, quivers.
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
That doesn't really answer my question. If you're having a poke at Mary Sue's description, that's kind of the point of her.
BerryTurtle Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Alright, I will look at it again. Yes, I know about Mary Sue and such, although I think its kind of a disease of mainstream modern fantasy fiction affecting the male protagonist more than females.
BerryTurtle Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
I looked at it again. It makes my tummy hurt. It makes my head hurt. We have a Mary Sue for president now. It's just too realistic. So, the criticism is EXCESSIVELY REALISTIC.
runewuff Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2017  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Suggestion number 1 - Sometimes I think up sections of story while lying in bed, washing my hair, whatever. Down to THE words I will use to write. You CAN write even when not looking at a screen - if you can remember it later!

Paragraph 1. Logic! Vel doesn't KNOW what magic looks like!... does he? (...unless someone told him. He's not going to wax poetic about "smokey rainbow glittering", he's going to be "eh" about the people telling him about "glassy ribbons of ley" earlier in his life. :p (Lick)) The secondhand description of what Baj told him about mind-reading later is good, is what this should be like.

Actually, this is good. Spelling and grammar are solid. Paragraph structure is good. Dialogue and action scenes are well-executed. Motivations are clear. You understand why this guy could be attacked and is so down about life it's just "one more thing" and he moves on.

I'm gonna tell you, your biggest problem is NOT descriptions per se, it's what I call Flow, and it's kind like that comment about Jazz "If you have to ask what Jazz is, you don't know Jazz." The rapid dialogue and interaction have quick flow, and are an easy read. The dense descriptions slow down, even break down flow. This isn't 100% bad, it can be used as a good technique, and some of my favorite stories are like that. You need to learn to use it as a tool, to lead to some "payoff" to the story or audience... to a point, frankly, my reaction was to skip past the long descriptions to find out where this was leading, sorry! :p (Lick)

Overuse of arcane language, "dictionary words", or fantasy magic terms are bad not because they are fantasy words, exactly, because they also slow down flow. It's the combination of the two that is a double-whammy. The parts in the second half where his ID tag automatically logs expenses, he just flicks on and off aetherial switches, are effective because he acts like this is normal and familiar, so the story just flows along. It also lets us the audience know, without saying it, which things are normal and familiar to him.

Opening scene suggestion? - daydreams of being a spell-wielding hero. Hallucinations creep in and spoil it. (I love trolling the audience that way XD) Then tie-in to this part.

Mention it's dark midnight BEFORE the hallucinations? Could make it creepier!

Combine desc of main char with paragraph after? he describes everything he hates about himself and is bullied for. Try working the two together, LET him show us an unfairly ugly version of himself - the kind of fur sticking out his pudge, the color of his cross-eyes, why his tail is too big and wierdly colored, etc!

Turn the description of the stack into a walk through it? Easier to understand, empathise, an awkward tired guy just trying to push his cleaning cart and get his big fat tail through the clutter, than a "laundry list of that clutter".

Try using verbs in descriptions. Even an inanimate object can "sit", "stand", "lay", "lean", "perch", "flop", "sprawl", etc! See what happens if the objects act on the space - "The books huddled together on the shelf" rather than "The corner held a bookshelf"

Part-whatever- a good way I've found to organize rambling descriptions - What is the FIRST thing you'd notice about this room/landscape/city you just made up? Something brightly colored? (The flowers in a vase) The big thing in the way you have to walk around? (The table the vase is sitting on). Sound? Smell? Temperature? Weird floor texture? (if barefoot/barepawed) Now, the trick - here is where things get headtrippy - What is the first  THIS CHARACTER would notice, and what does he think about it? (hint: it won't necessarily be what you would!)

I'm also going to echo previous comments. The medium of art you've been using, you can control EXACTLY to the most minute detail what the reader sees, but the story in the picture, everyone will make up their own . The medium of writing, you are creating THAT story, telling it the way you want to, but the picture of that story, everyone will imagine a different image! If you asked 10 people to draw a picture of this place and the main character, you would get 10 different interpretations and 10 different images. Accept it, embrace it, focus on shaping the STORY, instead of the IMAGE.
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
Thanks for the suggestions. I appreciate it. :)
FaolSidhe Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2017
I think there is material for a very good story here.

The universe is original, the main character certainly got some depth.

The long descriptions do not bother me as long as they stay dynamic, colorful and interesting (which they are), but they indeed can be a danger. When I write, I try as much as possible to get to the point fast enough and intersperse my descriptions with some dialogue or action. Not always possible, though.

Another danger that I perceive is the great number of specific words, the unique vocabulary through which your universe exists (Aleythir, arusai, nor, etc.). Following your work (with passion, I must say), these words are familiar, and most of them can be understood thanks to the context. But they could trouble new readers.

I would read the sequel with enthusiasm.

P.S : Is there any way I could propose this demoness in high heels ?
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
Hehe. Thanks for the thoughts. :D I appreciate it. Good suggestions.

As for the demoness, I decided to pull her back for the time being. Now, she's just a black scary silhouette with red eyes. But she will be making a proper appearance later. I want to slow build her because she's very important.
xxMossfacexx Featured By Owner Edited Jan 27, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist

Well, if you are worried about your prose, one tip I like to use that I made up for myself after finding I was really upset with how long and tedious my writing felt: 

'When it doubt, cut it out.' 

So take this: 
"Row after row of stacked abodes rose one-hundred and fifty feet high, almost to the ceiling. Some of the stacks were brown wood-panel or whitewood and many were made to look like stone or brick. Most were shaped like rectangular boxes but some were shaped like triangles, cubes, or L's for structural and aesthetic purposes. An abundance of flowering potted plants hung from girders, bar joists, staircases, and ledges. Squatty dwarf oaks grew in big pots alongside winding vine trees and flowering bushes. Koi ponds and little gardens filled would-be empty spaces. To Vel, the Stacks looked like a vertical trailer park city amidst a lush hanging garden jungle. It was a chaotic clutter of colors, shapes, sights, sounds, and smells and for the most part, he loved it."

And realize it could simply be this:

"Row after row of stacked abodes rose one-hundred and fifty feet high, almost to the ceiling. To Vel, the Stacks looked like a vertical trailer park city amidst a lush hanging garden jungle. It was a chaotic clutter of colors, shapes, sights, sounds, and smells and for the most part, he loved it."


Details and Descriptions:

 For me, personally, I LOVE details like you have there. It's not too lengthy, it puts a clear image in my mind, and from then on I have a point of reference to think of the city from again as you have Vel move through it and go about his business. Something is lost when those details are abandoned, because while it's really nice to leave things to the reader's imagination, it also makes the world much less concrete, and therefore more forgettable. Your description of characters in particular is also very clear. You did a good job of interjecting speech between descriptions, which helps a LOT with flow. I might just suggest you try to be careful about repeating yourself, as in using the same word too many times in the same paragraph. Sometimes even just using one word twice in the same paragraph can feel repetitive if it’s only describing something minor. I would point here to the word calico while describing Baj. Instead of using it two separate times for her and hair, you could condense to describe all her fluff on her head and body at once.


I don't think starting out with terms that nobody will know unless they understand your world is a good way to start. Such things should be introduced slowly and through words and terms that are more familiar. I am positive most people will ultimately be too A-D-D or easily bored and will lose interest because nothing makes sense to them. It may feel sucky to you because it's essentially dumbing the world down, but everyone has to start from zero and work their way up. Your introduction of dolors and doles was interesting, for instance! It sounds similar to dollars, and the description was compact enough that reading one or two paragraphs confirmed in my head "Yep, that's moolah." However, the very beginning with the aleythai, the names, the terms - if I didn't know them already, I would be utterly lost as a new reader. The most general idea I would come up with if I didn't know about this universe is "Ohhh so like... Magic-users..? Ish? And then NOT-magic-users-ish?" And I can see your introduction of Baj served that purpose, to give a sort of feel for what these forces and people are. It still would leave me wanting a bit more, which isn't necessarily bad for a long story. At the same time, the nature of short stories is that details are often left out. Since this is indeed a short story, I would (from the newbie reader PoV), accept these things at face value and move on, either trying to understand as I read, or just putting it down and finding something else to read. As the writer, I would maybe be a bit more candid/pithy about who was important enough to describe.

As for your main character, I think he starts out pretty simple. A Diary of a Wimpy Kid kind of vibe. We are introduced to his issues quickly, which is good for the sake of time. His issues make him stand out and it’s easy to understand how/why he thinks. Though his actions are consistent and almost predictable, I wouldn’t necessarily count predictability against you here. It’s more like reinforcement for the earlier foreshadowing where he felt his hallucinations were real.

As far as what Vel is DOING, and the premise, it seems to be a sad slice of life gone wrong sort of story... I think. If that makes sense. I can't tell where it is going or why it started, except that it started in time for me to know he has hallucinations, he wishes he was somebody else, and then he gets attacked because he wasn't sure if something was really happening thanks to aforementioned hallucinations. Also that he has a surprisingly high pain tolerance x3. If this was all just one short story I would be very confused that it ended here, and also why it started where it did. The fact that he was bullied right before he was attacked too feels like an attempt to me to draw out more sympathy for him, but it still felt more like just examples of "ho-hum, this is my life", and less so a moment in which I should sympathize with him. I think perhaps we should learn more about him first, see him struggle, see him go home, then you can condense his time up until the attack. This will make the action have more impact, rather than just being a single part of his day like all the other parts of his day. 

I really like short sci-fi's like cucumber gravy as examples to compare my writing too. Not to necessarily mimic, but to draw me out of my own head! I suggest this to you if it helps as well, because you can gauge yourself through a better, more realistic lense if you feel you are doing something ‘wrong’. There's millions of short stories out there anyway, take your pick haha.… if you want to check it out, btw. It has a writing style I find catchy somehow. It's just a fun read! 

I really enjoy the writing format that serials take as well. I would refer here to check out a really fun example that I personally find highly entertaining!

Important points! 
-Dialogue is good and flows nicely with descriptions.
-Descriptions are slightly lengthy, but still do not feel unnecessary. 
-Use of terms from the universe a bit abrupt and lacking some definition.
-Introduction feels rushed and glazes over otherwise interesting aspects of the universe.
-Characters are solid and consistent, but seem to lack purpose.
-Seems rather calm the entire time like simply observing things are happening. However! Your voice is already active and engaging!

I hope this massive text wall is helpful to you in some way and has what you were looking for! 

BJPentecost Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
You make some absolutely great points. Very helpful. :) I'll be getting out the weedwacker pronto. I do want to point one thing out though- this isn't meant to be a short story, it's meant to be a chapter (that may end up getting cut into smaller chapters? Assuming I don't light it on fire outright). But that's not important because the observations you've made are salient and pertinent regardless of that. I am very appreciative. :)

Now, here comes the big question: Do you think I should burn this and start over or do you think this can be salvaged? More importantly, do you think it should be salvaged?
xxMossfacexx Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
If it were my own work, I would start over, but use this as my outline. It has lots of good details you could easily copy paste like character details but the feeling of the entirety would benefit from a rewrite imo! A fresh start with a new intro that eases into the world.

Given that it is simply a chapter of course, I imagine the terms issue with have already been met.

Still, while there is a lot of good in this as it stands, I would bet you will feel much greater frustration trying to edit it to death, rather than just starting fresh.

I am glad I could be helpfulf <3
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
Thanks. :)
KaleGarrison Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
I think one of the biggest things that will help this piece is arrangement. A story is basically a picture painted by the reader with help from the author. The author supplies the basic ideas and outline, and the reader fills in the rest with their imagination. I noticed that you began the story with what's going on in Val's head first, and while interesting, it doesn't grab the reader very well. We have no reason to sympathize or disagree with him because we don't know anything about him yet.

My first suggestion would be to move the general descriptions of both the setting and Val to the beginning of the story, and then move forward with the action while adding details along the way as they become relevant. Think of it like mapping out a painting with some basic outlines to help establish the picture and to give you something to build on.

Another thing I noticed was the inclusion of distinctly Earth-bound terms like British and goose. When creating an alien world, these Earth terms can break the immersion factor of the story and will tend to bring the reader out of that trance that we can get into. So unless there is an actual Britain and actual geese in the universe that you are building, I would avoid using words that are specific to Earth. (Things like measurements don't count because then you'd be spending the entire first half of your story making sure we understand what the hell you're talking about and no one will sit through that length of exposition.)

Last thing of note was the distinct lack of explanation about the demons, undead, and all the other enemies you mentioned throughout the story. Granted, they are pretty self-explanatory, but we're given no reason for why they're attacking, how long Val's country has been at war, how many have died, where those creatures come from, etc. Without those details, the story suffers from a lack of depth. It's an easy hole to fall into, and it makes the story less interesting and harder to immerse oneself in.

The thing about details is that there needs to be a balance. Your concern about hitting people with a wall of facts and exposition is warranted, but don't be so wary about giving details that you miss out on important ones that you wind up giving the reader a different impression than the one you want to convey. Write down notes about your story; figure out which details are crucial and the which ones are superficial. Then you can figure out how to deliver said details in coherent manner that tells the story you want to tell.

Hope I was able to help.
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Edited Jan 27, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
Thanks for the thoughts! You make some fair points. I'll take it all into consideration. I appreciate it very much. :)

I have to ask though; what did I say that made you think this isn't taking place on Earth? 
KaleGarrison Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
New country, anthropomorphic species, demons, and magic kinda screamed, 'NOT EARTH' at me. Does the story take place on an alternate Earth?
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Edited Jan 28, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
Yes. It's an alternate Earth. Also, my "magic" system is not exactly magic (though it will appear that way at first) and it's very complicated so it is NOT going to be easy to convey. T__T Even at it's simplest, it's a lot to take in so I'm hoping to ease the reader into it slowly. Writing is hard. XC Harder than painting. Painting is easy for me. I can do that in my sleep. This is.... it's !@#$%^&*ing brain-racking. XD
KaleGarrison Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, I know the feeling. I've yet to to finish a single story. Most I've done is post a couple of chapters before inspiration just dies on me.
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
I have started probably upwards of 10 stories. Every time, the doubt sets in and I lose steam then give up. 
anotalenthack Featured By Owner May 11, 2016
Ugh, poor guy.

Don't go all emo and put the guy through this kind of hell regularly, ok?

All in all, your sentences are a bit long-- that stems from the intricacy of your designs. But your overall composition is pretty sweet. I have a soft spot for well-combined fantasy and realistic tones, and your descriptions fit that bill nicely.

The only thing you really need is practice-- and a good hug.

There's no point in being ashamed of your writing (hell, even "I" have a few things I'm sorely tempted to delete from my gallery).
Even your worst works have value as the materials you've grown from.

So please, make this an actual deviation, and grow a freaking spine already!!

You're awesome ( or at the very least, you will be in the future). Accept it.
BJPentecost Featured By Owner May 12, 2016  Professional Digital Artist
:D Thanks for your thoughts. I was convinced you were going to say something like "don't quit your day job" Not that I was planning on it. XD Not sure I'm anywhere near good enough to even consider taking up writing as an actual career. I'm happy being a hobbyist for now.

I really do appreciate it your reply. May I pester you for a few more thoughts? What areas do you feel I could improve on? Sentence length was one. Anything else come to mind?

(Oh, and don't worry. Things will be looking up for Vel in the near future... sort of... :P)
anotalenthack Featured By Owner May 12, 2016
"I was convinced you were going to say something like "don't quit your day job"

Have you even READ anything on my page? What in blazes could possibly give you a logical basis for that assumption?
Relax. You really DO have a lot more to be proud of than you think.

If this lack of confidence is the only thing holding you back, then maybe you're the only person you need to worry about impressing.

As for a more detailed critique; I'll take some time later and try to drum up a more complete one for you. If you make this an actual deviation, you can actually REQUEST critiues from others with an inbuilt function.

For now, try organizing your thoughts into something a little more concise. I like details, but it is possible to drown your reader in words. You could experiment with breaking down the descriptions of a wide area or theme into smaller chunks and scatering them around your narrative.

Above all, keep reading (My favorite author is David Eddings) and keep WRITING!
BJPentecost Featured By Owner May 13, 2016  Professional Digital Artist
I really appreciate the thoughts. I don't want you to think I'm fishing for compliments. The issue I'm having is that I'm surrounded by people who blow so much smoke up my ass, it's a fucking miracle I haven't floated off into the wild blue yonder yet. Smoke n asspats feel nice but they are utterly useless. These people tell me that everything I do is perfect. I cannot get them to say anything critical no matter how much I prod. At this point I'm left wondering "are these people afraid of me? Or maybe they have very low standards? Are they mentally deficient? Maybe they're just telling me what they think I want to hear? Maybe they think it will hurt my feelings?"

Whatever the answer is, it's annoying as hell. Everything can stand to be improved. Nothing is perfect, least of all me, and no, that's not me being fake modest, that's me being honest. I want to improve and I can't do that if I don't get outside opinions... I mean of the non-asspat variety.

Unfortunately, I think requesting critique is a core member perk only and my core membership ran out a long while back. I could always just ask through a journal and/or put a "looking for critique notice" above the story.

Here's another thought: Graphic novel. I'm better at it. I've developed a style that I think is decent and sustainable. People will be more likely to enjoy/read it in this format. What do you think?
anotalenthack Featured By Owner May 13, 2016
You forgot "Are these people only trying to get into my pants".

And you deffinitely have the right attitude, just don't try so hard to improve your flaws that you forget your strengths.

I didn't know about the critique request thingy, bummer.
And I think you need to try as many different mediums as you can-- it doesn't matter if you're good at them or not, really. That comes with time and practice anyway.
A varied approach can expand your skills. Frankly, screw other people. Find something fun and run with it. Art is something you do because you love it.  (Not the stuff you do because you need to eat to live; that art follow different rules, sadly)

As for comics, you DO have some pretty cool pieces of sequential art, but your style is incredibly intricate and rich; part of the crux of sequential art is beaing able to draw a LOT of frames with different complex scenes in them. Your wrists might snap off if you try to do a few pages with your standard styles. (For what it's worth, it would be a freaking GLORIOUS way to become a parapalegic though).  I'm a big fan of the Watchmen  mini-series, myself ( I hated the ending, but it fit the story well).

Incidentally, how much do you know of photography?  The same skills for organizing frames translate between both mediums.

And some of your story ideas may NEED to be put to a visible frame to really work. Comics may be a great idea.
anotalenthack Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2016
I am viewing the CRAP out of your temporary post! And there is NOTHING you can do to stop me!

Oh hey, you have a story written in your artist's comments section. I can't wait to dig into that.
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Edited Apr 24, 2016  Professional Digital Artist
Don't do it! You're happier not subjecting yourself to my purple prose and horribly overlong sentences. =P
anotalenthack Featured By Owner May 2, 2016
Dammit woman! I finally managed to get all the way through the first sentence an then you take it all down?!

I wanted to see where this was going!
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Edited May 3, 2016  Professional Digital Artist
Har har. =P If you're even a little bit serious though, I'll put it back up. :} I was actually going to seek out critique for it anyway.
anotalenthack Featured By Owner May 3, 2016
Please do!
BJPentecost Featured By Owner May 4, 2016  Professional Digital Artist
Okay but fair warning; I'm an amateur with a strong proclivity for purple prose. Good luck and gods' speed. =P
anotalenthack Featured By Owner May 9, 2016
Waitaminute-- Is it gone again?

dammit! Would you consider sending it to me as a note at least? I really wanna see how it ends!
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Submitted on
April 24, 2016


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