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1.) Because I don't like the idea that we came from apes… despite that humans are categorically defined and classified as apes.

2.) Because I'm too stupid and/or lazy to open a fucking science book or turn on the Discovery Science Channel.

3.) Because if I can't immediately understand how something works, then it must be bullshit.

4.) Because I don't care that literally 99.9% of all biologists accept evolution as the unifying theory of biology.

5.) Because I prefer the idea that a (insert god of choice) went ALLA-KADABRA-ZAM MOTHAH-FUCKAHS!!!

6.) Because I can't get it through my thick logic-proof skull that evolution refers ONLY to the diversity of living organisms which reproduce with genetic variation, not to abiogenesis, or planet formation, or big bang cosmology, or whether God exists, or where they buried Jimmy Hoffa, or why the sky is blue, or how many licks it takes to get to the center of a fucking Tootsie Pop.

7.) Because the fossil record doesn't comprise the remains of every single living thing that ever existed on this 4.5 billion year old planet, even though fossilization is a rare process that only occurs under very specific circumstances.

8.) Because science has yet to produce any transitional species… except for the magnitudinous numbers of them found in the fossil record which don't count because… I uh, OOH LOOK! A SHINY OBJECT!!! *runs away*

9.) Because I know nothing about Darwin except that he had a funny beard.

10.) Because the theory of evolution (which, according to scientists, perfectly explains the richness and diversity of life on Earth) contradicts biblical literalism… ya know, flat Earth with a firmament that keeps out the water, talking snakes, people rising from the dead, bats are birds, flamey talking bushes, virgin births, food appearing out of nowhere, massive bodies of water turning into blood… etc etc.

11.) Because I think the word "theory" actually means: "random stabs in the dark" when it really means: "an explanation of certain phenomena that is well-supported by a large body of facts and often unifies similarly well-supported hypotheses" i.e. atomic theory, gravitational theory, germ theory, cell theory, some-people-are-dumb-motherfuckers-theory, etc.    

12.) Because the fact that science is self-correcting annoys me. Most of my other beliefs are rigidly fixed and uncorrectable.

13.) Because I am under the severely mistaken impression that evolution implies someone in my very recent ancestry was a chimp.

14.) Because everything appears designed to my mind which was expertly tuned by nature to perceive design, probably as a survival mechanism.

15.) Because some secretly fabulous closet-dwelling televangelist (who unironically preaches hate towards gays) told me that evolution is Satan's way of leading me away from God.

16.) Because that same guy (who was also caught snorting blow off a male hooker's shiny naked ass) told me that God planted those fossils to test my faith.

17.) Because I'm 100% correct about everything 100% of the time and there is 0% chance that some snooty Oxford educated scientist with numerous honorary doctorates could possibly know something that I don't.

18.) Because I don't know that fossils are found in sedimentary strata corresponding to their age as one would expect if evolution were true.

19.) Because I don't understand why, if we share common ancestry with chimps, there are still chimps. And when someone with more than three brain cells in their head inevitably replies: "for the same reason Americans share common ancestry with Brits but there are still Brits, I can't follow the logic. It's just too big a leap. Who am I, Evil Knievel?

20.) Because my mom dropped me on my head when I was a baby.

21.) Multiple times.

22.) On purpose.

23.) Because the idea that life evolved naturally over billions of years is infinitely less believable than the idea that an 800 year old man crammed two of every species into a giant wooden boat when the entire planet flooded, an event for which there is absolutely no geological evidence whatsoever and also makes no fucking sense at all.

24.) Because Jesus totally rode around on a fucking t-rex. He's just that badassed. And also, did you know that t-rexes were vegetarians? Ken Ham says so and I believe it.

25.) Because I don't realize that saying "microevolution is possible but macroevolution isn't" is as stupid as saying "I can pick my nose for one second but I cannot pick it for 10 seconds."

26.) Because the education system failed me miserably.

27.) …and then took a big wet dump on my face.

28.) Because I think that knowing how nature works magically obliterates all of its beauty.

29.) Because I didn't know that evolution has been tested and observed in laboratories.

30.) Because when confronted with that, I refuse to believe it. It's obviously a scientific conspiracy aimed at turning everyone on the planet into atheists... even though evolution says nothing about god's nature nor whether he, she, it, or they exist.

31.) Because I'm too stupid to realize that Social Darwinism has nothing to do with evolution and is actually a pseudo-scientific bastardization that real science largely rejects.

32.) Because the planet and all the life on it was designed for humans… kinda like how the Metropolitan Museum of Art in NY was designed specifically for the dust-bunnies that may accumulate on the floors.

33.) Because I don't realize that if we actually found croco-ducks in the fossil record, it would call many evolutionary principles into serious question.

34.) Because plenty of respectable people like Ron Paul and Mike Huckabee (who are not scientists) don't accept evolution, and that somehow validates my opinion.

35.) Because my mother didn't know not to drink while she was pregnant. She also didn't know not to repeatedly throw herself down a flight of stairs in an attempt to undo the accident of screwing someone who voted for Bush both times.

36.) Because I don't know that "irreducible complexity" has been debunked a frazillion times by a frazillion different people and is no more credible an argument than "NEEN-er NEEN-er NEEN-er, I'm right and you're wrong."

37.) Because I have never seen a duck evolve into a cat over night, despite the fact that such a thing would be contrary to all known scientific disciplines.

38.) Because I have no imagination, learning is too much effort, I don't like proven facts, change scares me, and I think deoxyribonucleic acid is something I'm supposed to clean my bathroom floors with.

39.) Because evolution means that I absolutely MUST reject everything else I know, abandon all my beliefs, and start aping around my house like a fucking monkey. OOOh-ooohh-ooohohh -OOOOOOHHHHHH!!!!!

40.) Because I haven't put my cave on the market and moved into the 21st century yet. I'm waiting for the cave market to rebound from the recent financial meltdown.

41.) Because I don't know what an atavism is and if you told me, I still wouldn't believe it. Too weird.

42.) Because I don't know that evolution explains methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus and also provides the answer in preventing it from turning into a superbug and killing massive numbers of people.

43.) Because I don't know that evolution is routinely used in medicine to diagnose and treat certain illnesses such as genetic ailments, bacterial infections, and viral infections.

44.) Because I believe there is a strong comparison between designed inanimate objects such as buildings, paintings, and watches (which we know were pieced together from identifiable components by human beings) and living organisms (which reproduce with genetic variation under the effects of environmental attrition).

45.) Because I see no significant similarities between humans and apes. *scratches my ass-crack then smells my fingers*

46.) Because I think I'm too special to have been crafted by any natural process. In fact, I'm so fuckin special, the entire planet, solar system, galaxy, and universe were created with me especially in mind, yes, I am THAT hotdamn important.

47.) Because I unquestioningly swallow the ignorant anti-science bullshit spewed directly from the fraudulent stupid asses of people like Ken Ham, Ted Haggard, Fred Phelps, and Kent Hovind.

48.) Because I'm a freethinker and freethinking really means ignoring anything that contradicts what I already believe.

49.) Because I don't know what confirmation bias is.

50.) Because "GOD DID IT" is the answer to anything I don't immediately comprehend and I certainly don't understand evolution.

Ladies and gentlemen, I rest my case. Quod erat demonstrandum, I fucking win. Take that you EVILutionists!

~By Bobbie Jean Pentecost
  • Mood: Anger
  • Listening to: The screams of dying morons
  • Watching: Moron death
  • Playing: Whack-a-moron!
  • Eating: Morons
  • Drinking: The blood of morons
Add a Comment:
 
:iconkatsanovari:
KatsaNovari Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2014   Writer
I am a follower of God, and I found this freaking hilarious. 

That said, let me reassure you that not all of us are close minded, ignorant butt-pickers as described by this journal; some of us are decently sane and reasonable people, and we don't follow blindly and eat up whatever is told to us out of fear and stupidity.

I believe in both science and creation, as someone previously mentioned the Bible as well as scientific theories are quite aligned with one another if you read in deeper and do some serious research. I also believe that many teachings and beliefs of other religions each contain at least a grain of truth in them, there are even a lot of similarities with each other as well as with scientific research.

In short: religion is stupid. I believe there is a God and He had followers who have gone through the stories mentioned in the Bible, but I do not trust nor like the interpretations others try to shove down your throat and make you believe it's true just because they say so. Not everyone has the same mind set and people shouldn't expect them to be.
Reply
:iconbjpentecost:
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Back when I wrote this, all those years ago, I was bitter and angry about losing my faith and I was furious about the havoc a lot of religious people were wreaking in the world. Now I am at peace, more or less. I find it easy to get along with people like you. I disagree with your belief in God, yes, but I can do so peaceably and respectfully. And I have also come to the conclusion that it's not religion itself that is the problem. People are the problem. Bigots, assholes, ignoramuses, and the like will use religion as a tool to control people or bend it to suit their preconceived notions. It is like a gun in that regard. We don't blame the gun when a shooting happens, we blame the person who fired the gun.

In any case, thanks for the thoughts. :)
Reply
:iconkatsanovari:
KatsaNovari Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2014   Writer
That is very much true and I agree with you completely. I only wish more people could see that and change their ways for the better. In any case, I'm glad that you're at peace with it now and have met better people over the years, that's always so much better than feeling hate and anger toward the stupidity of morons. I've actually been in the same boat as you but on the other side; people who made fun of those who believed in God and were just plain insulting without any consideration toward the feelings of others or concerned with the fact that their own arguments were just as close minded and ignorant. So I understand completely the anger that goes through you when dealing with such people, it can happen on either side. That's also why I took great humor in this, for I've even dealt with people described in the journal that stood for the same rights as me as well. It's just so insane how conceited someone could be that it's laughable. 

Unfortunately, you still come across people like this, whether they're believers or not, but thankfully some of us can coexist together and accept one another as we are and get along fairly well. That's how things should be, not this "I'm right and you're wrong, so THERE!" nonsense. 

Thank you for a good read. :)
Reply
:iconlauriefleming:
LaurieFleming Featured By Owner May 20, 2014
From the Twitter today, after I called him an idiot for lauding Kent Hovind (!) (yes, really): I hate to be labeled that but the fact is there are a lot of anomalies that just can't and never be explained. Therefore God.

@leicestercook is going to regret he opened his keyboard… I almost feel sorry for him.* 

*I lie.

PS I linked this for him to read. I don't believe he's seen it yet. He may be gibbering in a corner for all I care.
Reply
:iconbjpentecost:
BJPentecost Featured By Owner May 20, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Heh! =P
Reply
:iconlauriefleming:
LaurieFleming Featured By Owner May 20, 2014
Oops: I was wrong: The earth is not millions of years old. If we trace back the generations from Adam it's 6000 years! 

and 

The only proof we have is that GOD stretched out the heaven in creation when he made the heaven and the earth!

and 

Fossils are dated by the layer of rock they are found in and uses circular reasoning. It doesn't work!
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:iconbjpentecost:
BJPentecost Featured By Owner May 20, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
X3 Lol. 
Reply
:iconfenrisfil:
Fenrisfil Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2014
Summary: Stupid people are stupid.

Okay, moving on.
Reply
:iconbjpentecost:
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Someone doesn't have a sense of humor.
Reply
:iconfenrisfil:
Fenrisfil Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2014
I tried shooting fish in a barrel once, it wasn't quite as fun as I was led to believe. Mostly I just got wet and then I had to buy a new barrel.
Reply
:iconbjpentecost:
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Hey, fine, not your cup of tea but hey, a lot of other people enjoyed it. I was only even trying to be funny in the first place. You can't reason with people who have disavowed reason. Might as well make fun of em. What else can we do?
Reply
:iconfenrisfil:
Fenrisfil Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2014
Late response here, but fair enough. I appreciate the concept even if it didn't make me laugh. Humour is more important to humanity than religion after all.
Reply
:iconnatteheks:
Natteheks Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013
This is just awesome :D
Reply
:iconjaredr4125:
Jaredr4125 Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013
You call people you love morons and want them to die/drink their blood?

You can say you're joking but you're not. You detest followers because they remind you that God is anxiously waiting to be in a relationship with you. They remind you that He loves you. That makes you uncomfortable because you know the way you live is not the way He had planned for you.

You express you're anger with a comic overtone because you're trying to show that you don't care. But the fact that you made this post shows how much you do. It bothers you that no matter how much you make fun of the shy kid, no matter how much you reject someone who chose to love you first, no matter how much you whack-a-moron, they continue to show you kindness and love, love that comes from your Father.
Reply
:iconbjpentecost:
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
You call people you love morons and want them to die/drink their blood? First off, that is not part of the journal. Secondly, it is sarcasm. *facepalm* Are you like.... new to the internet?

You detest followers because they remind you that God I don't detest them, I pity them. They are brainwashed, suffering from a lack of education, or lying to themselves.

God is anxiously waiting to be in a relationship with you. Which one? Zeus? Thor? Quetzalcoatl? Oh.... you mean Yahweh? The one who murders children and commands the slaughter of atheists?

That makes you uncomfortable because you know the way you live is not the way He had planned for you. I am an atheist. That means I don't believe in your god. I'll believe in him when he proves he exists. And even if he did prove he exists, I'd still be against him because as the bible shows, he's a disgusting, evil, rotten monster. What kind of an evil god demands you worship him and threatens you with hellfire if you don't then calls that "love?"

because you're trying to show that you don't care. I'm not trying to show that I don't care. I'm trying to point out how stupid it is not to believe in evolution.

But the fact that you made this post shows how much you do. I do care. I care about educating people about the wonders of science. I care about explaining to people that you don't have to believe in god to be a good person. That we don't have to hurt each other. That we don't have to live in ignorance. That we don't have to be afraid.

It bothers you that no matter how much you make fun of the shy kid I would never do such a thing. Besides, I WAS that shy kid who got made fun of.

they continue to show you kindness and love Very few people have shown me love and kindness and my father was a sociopathic piece of shit who tried to burn our house down with us in it.

Reply
:iconjustamantoday:
justamantoday Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012
Evolution theory does not state that humans originated from apes and chimps and gorillas. Somewhere millions of years back in time, there were different tribes of homo sapiens and some of them got larger and larger brains. While others did not or did but then died out because the other guys out-smarted them or killed them. And while those that perhaps even got smaller brains eventually became chimps, our tribes eventually became the superior beings we are today. We cannot make fire and if the electricity goes out we have about a week to live. But otherwise we are great and all mighty. My argument against (insert god here) creating humans is why would god waste magic energy on something as shitty, pathetic and pointless as humans.
Reply
:iconbjpentecost:
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Evolution theory does not state that humans originated from apes and chimps and gorillas. You're arguing semantics. According to evolution, we originated from apes and we are still apes.

However I do agree with your last point. As amazing as we are, we are also shortsighted, greedy, selfish, destructive, animalistic perpetual children which is why we are rapidly destroying the entire planet.

Reply
:iconbarayezzz:
barayezzz Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2012
Very funny and mature, Tell me though, How many Friends did you have as a Teenager
Reply
:iconbjpentecost:
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
I had five good friends as a teenager and I have a handful of friends now who I'm sure will be with me for the rest of my life, my girlfriend in particular.

:) As for questioning my maturity, I find it funny that you would choose to do so in the very same sentence where you imply the insult that I was a pathetic teenager.

Some people are so stupid, the only appropriate response is mockery. If you don't accept the verified fact of evolution, you are stupid. THE END.
Reply
:icongelgoog328:
Gelgoog328 Featured By Owner May 9, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I like to believe God has a very good sense of humor. Also doesn't help that the Bible has been mis-translated so many times and retranslated over and over, who knows what it said originally. Evolution, I believe in it. The binary structure of our genes is basically His signature on our blueprint. I had a science teacher at one time who believed in God yet believed in science and evolution. I think she had lost her job over that, she wasn't there the next semester and no one would say why. We had some fascinating conversations, especially how Bible, when taken as a guide to life and other matters, and science, don't actually interfere with each other. Definitely some asshole overheard us and got all offended...
Reply
:iconbjpentecost:
BJPentecost Featured By Owner May 9, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
While I don't believe in god myself, I can accept this viewpoint. :)

The only way god and science don't mix is if one interprets the bible literally. Conversely if one takes the bible as being somewhat figurative (especially on the creation stories) then one is perfectly free to believe that perhaps evolution was god's way of populating the earth or perhaps god designed evolution etc etc. Nes?
Reply
:icongelgoog328:
Gelgoog328 Featured By Owner May 9, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Yup. Basically.
Reply
:iconevilpatz:
evilpatz Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2012
arguing against creationists is at best feeding the trolls.

please, DO. NOT. FEED. THE. FUCKING. TROLLS.
Reply
:iconbjpentecost:
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Oh, so I should delete this despite its overwhelming popularity because you think it's feeding the trolls? ;) On a serious note, I cannot even begin to describe how badly that would go over with my watchers. There would be war.
Reply
:icontoonartist:
toonartist Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2012
I'm pretty sure this is one of the best journals I've ever read. Thank you for writing this!!
Reply
:iconbjpentecost:
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
^__^ Thanks.
Reply
:icontet-corporation:
Tet-Corporation Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This definitely wins. This wins a lot. I've had a night watching fundies fail on YouTube, so this tops it off nicely!
Reply
:icontyrannosaurusprime:
TyrannosaurusPrime Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2011
EPIC WIN!!!! :D
Reply
:iconmnzrr:
mnzrr Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2011
Awesome~!
Reply
:iconanarimus:
Anarimus Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2011
Science killed the creationist star.
Reply
:iconlaserbionics:
laserbionics Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2012
ha ha, not even close but keep trying
Reply
:iconbjpentecost:
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2011  Professional Digital Artist
=P I wish. A significant number of people still believe in it. XC
Reply
:iconsarychan:
Sarychan Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2011
My boyfriend just linked me to this. And let me just say, you are awesome.
Reply
:iconbjpentecost:
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2011  Professional Digital Artist
^__^ Heee. Thanks.
Reply
:iconsarychan:
Sarychan Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2011
No problem c:
Reply
:iconmcduff79:
mcduff79 Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2011
I'm even more surprise that in this era we're still debating evolution science-wise or believe-wise, coz they're empirically the same and confirm each other perfectly, what exactly r we comparing to anyway if they're all the same? Silly rite ;)
Reply
:iconbjpentecost:
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2011  Professional Digital Artist
>.> Um......? I would have to disagree. We can empirically confirm evolution but certainly not the supernatural. Believe me, I wish we could. A lot of the people I love believe in that stuff but there is no proof. I recognize that and they don't so it acts as a divider between us. I don't like that. But it is what it is.
Reply
:iconlaserbionics:
laserbionics Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2012
evolution is about the most unscientific worldview that has ever been thought up.
Reply
:iconbjpentecost:
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Evolution conforms to all three major qualifications for the label of scientific:

Must be testable. Must be predictive. Must be falsifiable. Funny enough, magical people who live in the sky don't fall under any of those categories.

And for the record, you probably shouldn't trust the opinions of morons who believe in magic beings in the sky over the scientists who are responsible for the convenient modern life you live.
Reply
:icongazztron:
gazztron Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2011
Oh man, I wish I could fave this.
Reply
:icontyrannotitan333:
Tyrannotitan333 Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Apart from the flat-Earth bit (more people believed that Earth was round than common opinion), this was hilarious.
Reply
:iconprokoschn:
prokoschn Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2011
Excellent! How can you manage to channel the spirits of all the stupid people from the past 100,000 years?
Reply
:iconalbertonykus:
Albertonykus Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2011
Crowning Moment of Awesome.
Reply
:iconscythemantis:
scythemantis Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
this just got linked by my favorite blog on Discovermagazine (not exactly rocket science)...you should be proud :D
Reply
:iconbjpentecost:
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2011  Professional Digital Artist
Whhhooooaaaaaa......Discovermagazine!? Wuuuhhh?
Reply
:iconscythemantis:
scythemantis Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
[link] just their most popular blogger's weekly roundup of cool links :)
Reply
:iconkenotaphion:
Kenotaphion Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I wish I could fave this journal.
Reply
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