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Submitted on
March 8, 2009
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1.) Because I don't like the idea that we came from apes… despite that humans are categorically defined and classified as apes.

2.) Because I'm too stupid and/or lazy to open a fucking science book or turn on the Discovery Science Channel.

3.) Because if I can't immediately understand how something works, then it must be bullshit.

4.) Because I don't care that literally 99.9% of all biologists accept evolution as the unifying theory of biology.

5.) Because I prefer the idea that a (insert god of choice) went ALLA-KADABRA-ZAM MOTHAH-FUCKAHS!!!

6.) Because I can't get it through my thick logic-proof skull that evolution refers ONLY to the diversity of living organisms which reproduce with genetic variation, not to abiogenesis, or planet formation, or big bang cosmology, or whether God exists, or where they buried Jimmy Hoffa, or why the sky is blue, or how many licks it takes to get to the center of a fucking Tootsie Pop.

7.) Because the fossil record doesn't comprise the remains of every single living thing that ever existed on this 4.5 billion year old planet, even though fossilization is a rare process that only occurs under very specific circumstances.

8.) Because science has yet to produce any transitional species… except for the magnitudinous numbers of them found in the fossil record which don't count because… I uh, OOH LOOK! A SHINY OBJECT!!! *runs away*

9.) Because I know nothing about Darwin except that he had a funny beard.

10.) Because the theory of evolution (which, according to scientists, perfectly explains the richness and diversity of life on Earth) contradicts biblical literalism… ya know, flat Earth with a firmament that keeps out the water, talking snakes, people rising from the dead, bats are birds, flamey talking bushes, virgin births, food appearing out of nowhere, massive bodies of water turning into blood… etc etc.

11.) Because I think the word "theory" actually means: "random stabs in the dark" when it really means: "an explanation of certain phenomena that is well-supported by a large body of facts and often unifies similarly well-supported hypotheses" i.e. atomic theory, gravitational theory, germ theory, cell theory, some-people-are-dumb-motherfuckers-theory, etc.    

12.) Because the fact that science is self-correcting annoys me. Most of my other beliefs are rigidly fixed and uncorrectable.

13.) Because I am under the severely mistaken impression that evolution implies someone in my very recent ancestry was a chimp.

14.) Because everything appears designed to my mind which was expertly tuned by nature to perceive design, probably as a survival mechanism.

15.) Because some secretly fabulous closet-dwelling televangelist (who unironically preaches hate towards gays) told me that evolution is Satan's way of leading me away from God.

16.) Because that same guy (who was also caught snorting blow off a male hooker's shiny naked ass) told me that God planted those fossils to test my faith.

17.) Because I'm 100% correct about everything 100% of the time and there is 0% chance that some snooty Oxford educated scientist with numerous honorary doctorates could possibly know something that I don't.

18.) Because I don't know that fossils are found in sedimentary strata corresponding to their age as one would expect if evolution were true.

19.) Because I don't understand why, if we share common ancestry with chimps, there are still chimps. And when someone with more than three brain cells in their head inevitably replies: "for the same reason Americans share common ancestry with Brits but there are still Brits, I can't follow the logic. It's just too big a leap. Who am I, Evil Knievel?

20.) Because my mom dropped me on my head when I was a baby.

21.) Multiple times.

22.) On purpose.

23.) Because the idea that life evolved naturally over billions of years is infinitely less believable than the idea that an 800 year old man crammed two of every species into a giant wooden boat when the entire planet flooded, an event for which there is absolutely no geological evidence whatsoever and also makes no fucking sense at all.

24.) Because Jesus totally rode around on a fucking t-rex. He's just that badassed. And also, did you know that t-rexes were vegetarians? Ken Ham says so and I believe it.

25.) Because I don't realize that saying "microevolution is possible but macroevolution isn't" is as stupid as saying "I can pick my nose for one second but I cannot pick it for 10 seconds."

26.) Because the education system failed me miserably.

27.) …and then took a big wet dump on my face.

28.) Because I think that knowing how nature works magically obliterates all of its beauty.

29.) Because I didn't know that evolution has been tested and observed in laboratories.

30.) Because when confronted with that, I refuse to believe it. It's obviously a scientific conspiracy aimed at turning everyone on the planet into atheists... even though evolution says nothing about god's nature nor whether he, she, it, or they exist.

31.) Because I'm too stupid to realize that Social Darwinism has nothing to do with evolution and is actually a pseudo-scientific bastardization that real science largely rejects.

32.) Because the planet and all the life on it was designed for humans… kinda like how the Metropolitan Museum of Art in NY was designed specifically for the dust-bunnies that may accumulate on the floors.

33.) Because I don't realize that if we actually found croco-ducks in the fossil record, it would call many evolutionary principles into serious question.

34.) Because plenty of respectable people like Ron Paul and Mike Huckabee (who are not scientists) don't accept evolution, and that somehow validates my opinion.

35.) Because my mother didn't know not to drink while she was pregnant. She also didn't know not to repeatedly throw herself down a flight of stairs in an attempt to undo the accident of screwing someone who voted for Bush both times.

36.) Because I don't know that "irreducible complexity" has been debunked a frazillion times by a frazillion different people and is no more credible an argument than "NEEN-er NEEN-er NEEN-er, I'm right and you're wrong."

37.) Because I have never seen a duck evolve into a cat over night, despite the fact that such a thing would be contrary to all known scientific disciplines.

38.) Because I have no imagination, learning is too much effort, I don't like proven facts, change scares me, and I think deoxyribonucleic acid is something I'm supposed to clean my bathroom floors with.

39.) Because evolution means that I absolutely MUST reject everything else I know, abandon all my beliefs, and start aping around my house like a fucking monkey. OOOh-ooohh-ooohohh -OOOOOOHHHHHH!!!!!

40.) Because I haven't put my cave on the market and moved into the 21st century yet. I'm waiting for the cave market to rebound from the recent financial meltdown.

41.) Because I don't know what an atavism is and if you told me, I still wouldn't believe it. Too weird.

42.) Because I don't know that evolution explains methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus and also provides the answer in preventing it from turning into a superbug and killing massive numbers of people.

43.) Because I don't know that evolution is routinely used in medicine to diagnose and treat certain illnesses such as genetic ailments, bacterial infections, and viral infections.

44.) Because I believe there is a strong comparison between designed inanimate objects such as buildings, paintings, and watches (which we know were pieced together from identifiable components by human beings) and living organisms (which reproduce with genetic variation under the effects of environmental attrition).

45.) Because I see no significant similarities between humans and apes. *scratches my ass-crack then smells my fingers*

46.) Because I think I'm too special to have been crafted by any natural process. In fact, I'm so fuckin special, the entire planet, solar system, galaxy, and universe were created with me especially in mind, yes, I am THAT hotdamn important.

47.) Because I unquestioningly swallow the ignorant anti-science bullshit spewed directly from the fraudulent stupid asses of people like Ken Ham, Ted Haggard, Fred Phelps, and Kent Hovind.

48.) Because I'm a freethinker and freethinking really means ignoring anything that contradicts what I already believe.

49.) Because I don't know what confirmation bias is.

50.) Because "GOD DID IT" is the answer to anything I don't immediately comprehend and I certainly don't understand evolution.

Ladies and gentlemen, I rest my case. Quod erat demonstrandum, I fucking win. Take that you EVILutionists!

~By Bobbie Jean Pentecost
  • Mood: Anger
  • Listening to: The screams of dying morons
  • Watching: Moron death
  • Playing: Whack-a-moron!
  • Eating: Morons
  • Drinking: The blood of morons
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:iconkatsanovari:
KatsaNovari Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2014   Writer
I am a follower of God, and I found this freaking hilarious. 

That said, let me reassure you that not all of us are close minded, ignorant butt-pickers as described by this journal; some of us are decently sane and reasonable people, and we don't follow blindly and eat up whatever is told to us out of fear and stupidity.

I believe in both science and creation, as someone previously mentioned the Bible as well as scientific theories are quite aligned with one another if you read in deeper and do some serious research. I also believe that many teachings and beliefs of other religions each contain at least a grain of truth in them, there are even a lot of similarities with each other as well as with scientific research.

In short: religion is stupid. I believe there is a God and He had followers who have gone through the stories mentioned in the Bible, but I do not trust nor like the interpretations others try to shove down your throat and make you believe it's true just because they say so. Not everyone has the same mind set and people shouldn't expect them to be.
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:iconbjpentecost:
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Back when I wrote this, all those years ago, I was bitter and angry about losing my faith and I was furious about the havoc a lot of religious people were wreaking in the world. Now I am at peace, more or less. I find it easy to get along with people like you. I disagree with your belief in God, yes, but I can do so peaceably and respectfully. And I have also come to the conclusion that it's not religion itself that is the problem. People are the problem. Bigots, assholes, ignoramuses, and the like will use religion as a tool to control people or bend it to suit their preconceived notions. It is like a gun in that regard. We don't blame the gun when a shooting happens, we blame the person who fired the gun.

In any case, thanks for the thoughts. :)
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:iconkatsanovari:
KatsaNovari Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2014   Writer
That is very much true and I agree with you completely. I only wish more people could see that and change their ways for the better. In any case, I'm glad that you're at peace with it now and have met better people over the years, that's always so much better than feeling hate and anger toward the stupidity of morons. I've actually been in the same boat as you but on the other side; people who made fun of those who believed in God and were just plain insulting without any consideration toward the feelings of others or concerned with the fact that their own arguments were just as close minded and ignorant. So I understand completely the anger that goes through you when dealing with such people, it can happen on either side. That's also why I took great humor in this, for I've even dealt with people described in the journal that stood for the same rights as me as well. It's just so insane how conceited someone could be that it's laughable. 

Unfortunately, you still come across people like this, whether they're believers or not, but thankfully some of us can coexist together and accept one another as we are and get along fairly well. That's how things should be, not this "I'm right and you're wrong, so THERE!" nonsense. 

Thank you for a good read. :)
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:iconlauriefleming:
LaurieFleming Featured By Owner May 20, 2014
From the Twitter today, after I called him an idiot for lauding Kent Hovind (!) (yes, really): I hate to be labeled that but the fact is there are a lot of anomalies that just can't and never be explained. Therefore God.

@leicestercook is going to regret he opened his keyboard… I almost feel sorry for him.* 

*I lie.

PS I linked this for him to read. I don't believe he's seen it yet. He may be gibbering in a corner for all I care.
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:iconbjpentecost:
BJPentecost Featured By Owner May 20, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Heh! =P
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:iconlauriefleming:
LaurieFleming Featured By Owner May 20, 2014
Oops: I was wrong: The earth is not millions of years old. If we trace back the generations from Adam it's 6000 years! 

and 

The only proof we have is that GOD stretched out the heaven in creation when he made the heaven and the earth!

and 

Fossils are dated by the layer of rock they are found in and uses circular reasoning. It doesn't work!
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:iconbjpentecost:
BJPentecost Featured By Owner May 20, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
X3 Lol. 
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:iconfenrisfil:
Fenrisfil Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2014
Summary: Stupid people are stupid.

Okay, moving on.
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:iconbjpentecost:
BJPentecost Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Someone doesn't have a sense of humor.
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:iconfenrisfil:
Fenrisfil Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2014
I tried shooting fish in a barrel once, it wasn't quite as fun as I was led to believe. Mostly I just got wet and then I had to buy a new barrel.
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