I have this tendency to accidental-pun. I do it A LOT. I do not do this shit on purpose, I swear. If you doubt or if you think I am making this up, I have friends who will attest (this shit drives them up the fricking wall). Some of these were face-to-face conversations and some of them occurred over Skype chat or text.
(On gun use)
JD: I'd love to take you to the shooting range some time.
Me: I'm not really much of a gun person.
JD: Come on, you might enjoy it.
Me: They kinda freak me out a little I have never even held one in my hands.
JD: It's not that hard. I'll show you how. Besides, it's good knowledge to have just in case.
Me: Alright, well, I guess I could take a shot at it.
JD: Dude……. That was awful.
Me: *clueless herpderpface*
JD: You'll "take a shot at it?"
Me: Oh fuck me. XD *headdesk*
(On flying an airplane)
JD: Flying a plane really isn't that hard. To me, the hardest part was all the calculations.
Me: Ehck. No thanks. I hate math with a fiery, scathing passion.
JD: It's just simple math. I mean, ya kinda gotta be able to do it quickly in your head but it's still mostly simple stuff.
Me: I can't do math on the fly like that.
Me: Why are you deathglaring me? What'd I do? *derpface* Oh, god damn it.
(On being bummed)
Dew: My life is so much crap.
Me: Oh come on, it's not that bad. You're just bummed.
Dew: I don't even know why I exist.
Me: Really? Come on now.
Dew: I just.... sometimes want to stop existing. Not even die, just stop existing.
Me: Jesus Christ, will you stop being such a martyr?
Dew: *About five seconds go by.* …........Bobbie......
Dew: Think about what you just said.
Me: What? *clueless derpface*
Dew: Jesus Christ…..
Me: *derpface intensifies*
Dew: Quit being such a…
Me: *derpface reaching critical mass*
Me: *derpface slowly melts into oh-shit-no-face* DDDOOOOOHHHHMYGOD. *facedesk and laughs myself into a nosebleed*
Dew: Well…. That cheered me up.
(On tabletop RP) (JD is a player, I am GM, this happened around a gaming table late at night)
Me: Okay so you want to run around town shmexing people for information again? How many are you going to bang this time?
JD: *rolls a D8, gets a 7* Seven. What do I get out of them?
Me: Lockjaw, flame crabs, sparkle herpes, one confession of undying love, a pamphlet advertizing the love of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and fifteen bucks.
JD: Har har. Very funny. Did I get any actual information?
Me: *rolls die* The first four were very tightlipped and the other three were very forthcoming. You have discovered that…… what?
Everyone: *everyone around the table is staring at me with raised left eyebrows*
Me: *clueless derpface* What?
JD: Tightlipped? Forthcoming?
Me: Oh Jesus take the wheel. *headdesk*
(Conversation about character, happened in a car as we were driving)
Me: I like characters that are tame in appearance but are actually freaks in the sheets.
JD: Agreed. I especially love it when the love interests are surprised by it. Their reactions are always the best.
Me: Yeah. Like "whoa! I totally didn't see that coming!
JD: Oh my god, Bobbie Jean.
Me: What!? *derpface* Oh….. GODDAMNIT!
Me: No, no, no, no, NO! Appreciation for anthropomorphic art and bestiality are TOTALLY not the same thing.
JD: But I always thought they kinda were. I mean, that's what I was told anyway.
Me: NnnnnnooooOMG. Listen up, you uninitiated noob, there is a HUGE difference. Anthro art is the combination of human and animal attributes. The beings are still predominantly human in form and intellect. Bestiality is like, ya know, actually…. porking a pig.
JD: Jesus Christ, Bobbie Jean.
Me: What? *derpface* Oh my god. *Facedesk* …………..wait…. would that count as a…… double enpundre? *eyebrow waggle*
JD: ……. *makes strangle-fingers in my direction*
(On a pet bird)
JD: My father made me get rid of my pet cockatiel when I was a kid.
Me: I would never let my parents make me get rid of a pet.
JD: I was seventeen. I didn't really have much of a say.
Me: See, that's the difference between you and me. That shit would not fly in my house.
JD: *five seconds of silence go by…* Really?
Me: What? *Derpface*
Me: (We were talking on Skype but I swear, I could actually hear her left eyebrow ascending)
Goddamn it. *facepalms*
(On unfortunate nicknames, (over Skype))
Me: My high school had this ice cream vending machine I occasionally liked to patronize. I'd pop in my dollar and a suction hose would descend, suck the ice cream bar up, and drop it into the slot where you reach in and grab it. The students used to call it "The Blowjob Machine" because of the sucky-hose and the weird sucking noises it made. I occasionally liked to have myself some ice cream so my friends took to calling me "Bobbie Jean the Blowjob Machine."
Fri: Haaaahhh! That's funny.
Me: Thankfully, the nickname didn't stick.
Fri: Fffftttt. Didn't stick? Lololol.
Me: Oh fuck me. God damn it.
Fri: HAHA! LOL! I swear you do this on purpose.
Me: NO. I REALLY DON'T.
Fri: Bobbie Jean the Blowjob Machine. I am going to start calling you that now.
Me: I should not have told you that, should I?
Me: Me and my big mouth.
Fri: HAH. There is NO WAY you are NOT doing this on purpose.
Me: Huh? *derpface* GODDAMN IT! *Headdesk*
Fri: There is nothing you can say to convince me you're not doing this on purpose.
Me: I'M NOT! I swear to every possibly existing god! This is an affliction! You know how some fictional characters have a curse that causes them to speak in verse? My affliction is a lot like…..oh my god.
Me: Great. Now I'm involuntary-punning AND speaking in verse! This just can't get any damn worse! ….Fuck.
(During tabletop RP)
JD: So *claps hands together* am I going to be banging people for information again?
Me: If that's what you want to do. You seem to do that a lot.
JD: I'm good at it.
Me: Did you ever actually add those extra stats for sex? *giggle-snorts*
JD: I did. I added "seduce," "perform," and "stamina."
RB: She should add "jerk-off" too. *snicker*
JD: Ooh! Ooh! Can I? *jumps up and down in seat*
Me: Sure, I'll allow it. Considering your character's job, that could really come in handy.
Everybody: *eyebrows rising*
Everybody: *eyebrows reaching critical altitude*
Me: Why are you making eyebrow at me!?
Everybody: *we have lift off!*
Me: Oh crap… did I pun?
Everybody: *eyebrows are now hovering somewhere in the upper stratosphere*
Me: Well, you're going to have to explain this one to me because I don't… Ooooohhhhhh. Fuck my life.
Everybody: *eyebrows explode*
Me: I saw these really awesome wigs there. We should go and see if they have anything that would fit our costumes.
JD: Okay. I'm down with that.
Me: Some of them are made of real hair.
JD: Gah! No thanks. I prefer the fake ones.
JD: I would never want to wear someone else's hair on my head. The idea just wigs me out…. AH! You infected me! Now I'm involuntary-punning too!
Me: *almost falls off the Olive Garden sidewalk* IT WASN'T ME THIS TIME! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH! *goes prancing off into the parking lot, singing merrily* IT WASN'T MEEEEEEEEeeeeeee! IT WASN'T MEEEEEEEeeeeeee! *frolic frolic gallivant frolic*
(On tall women)
Me: I used to prefer shorter women but taller women have kinda come to grow on me….. DOH! JESUS CHRIST!
Fri: Wow. Beat me to the punch this time. Congrats.
Me: Typical response: "THAT'S TERRIBLE! THOSE PEOPLE SHOULD BE THROWN IN AN ASYLUM!" Me? Not my cup of tea but whatever. As long as it's consensual and they don't come anywhere near me with it, I don't give a shit….. Oh. My. God. Pun not intended. *Face desk, falls over*
RM: Haha. That's pretty funny.
Me: …………. You must be new.
Me: My mom says I'm too high-strung so she invented imaginary aerosolized Xanax spray and whenever I start getting uppity, she imaginary spritzes me.
Fri: One- I love your mom. Two- that is hilarious. Three- I want aerosolized Xanax spray. I would spray so many people. I would spray ALL the people. ALL OF THEM.
Me: I think we just discovered the way to end all wars.
Fri: Wait…. They tried something like that on Firefly and if I recall, it didn't work out very well.
Me: Oh yeah. Forgot about that. But, ya know, everything has it's downside. No reason not to give it a try. Hopefully we don't create a race of insaniacs who try to murder-fuck the shit out of everything in sight.
Fri: Things probably wouldn't be much different than they are anyway, I guess.
Me: Yeah… Oh! Someone just murder-fucked the shit out of an old folks home. Must be Tuesday.
Me: Oh god….. did I do it again? I did it again. I'M SORRY! I CAN'T FUCKING HELP IT! I AM CURSED! I SWEAR TO EVERY POSSIBLY EXISTING GOD, I DO NOT DO THIS SHIT ON PURPOSE. WHYYYY WHY GOD WHY!!!??!??
Me: What do you mean where!?
Fri: I'm so confused.
Me: Where's the pun? I know it's there somewhere. I just can't see it. I NEVER SEE IT UNTIL IT IS TOO LATE!
Fri: There was pun? If there was, I missed it.
Me: You missed it too? FUCK! WHAT DO WE DO NOW!?
Fri: Wait… was there ever pun to begin with?
Me: THERE IS ALWAYS PUN. THERE CANNOT NOT BE PUN. IF I SAID IT, THEN THERE IS PUN IN IT SOMEWHERE!!!
Fri: I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON! SOME ONE PLEASE HELP! I'M SCARED!!!
Me: If the NSA is listening in on this call, we're screwed. They're going to brand us as terrorists, lock us up, and throw away the whole !@#$%^&*damn building just to be safe.
Fri: You know what would really come in handy right now?
Me: I can think of a few things, each one of them A PUN WORSE THAN DEATH!
Fri: Aerosolized Xanax spray.
Me: Yes. Please. Dear god.
Fri: *aims spray bottle at you* PST! PST! PST!
Me: Aaaahhhh. GIVE ME THAT! PST! PST! PST! PST! PST! PST! PST! PST! PST!
(Cellllllllebrate good times, COME ON!)
Fri: She doesn't want to purchase home owner's insurance. Says it's too expensive.
Me: Doesn't she have to? I mean… isn't that like… the law… or something? Maybe?
Fri: Unno. But that's what they're on about recently. She doesn't want it, he does.
Me: *silent pause* Oh dear. That doesn't ~~~abode~~~ well. *HUGE SMILE, eyes go off to the sides*
Me: I DID IT ON PURPOSE THAT TIME! YYYYYAAAAHHHHOOOOOOO! *starts running around all over, jumping up and down, shouting, and dancing* CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON! WHOOOO! *three humps to the left, three humps to the right, do the wave, moonwalk, gettin jiggy wid it* YEAH, BITCHES!
Fri: *silently seething* I know where you live. In fact, I am Google-Mapping your house right now. Prepare for murder.